Did You Know January is The Month of Divorce?

Did you know that the highest number of people filing for divorce occurs each January? This occurs for several reasons including 

  • Most people don't have the heart to file for divorce and leave their spouse during the holidays—especially if they have kids.
  • People often wait to see if their spouse will do something, anything, to save the marriage and more often than not, they end up falling short. Furthermore, most of the time the spouse did not even know that this final test was in place.
  • People begin to realize that their family life is not what they thought it was. They determine that the relationship is so bad that staying for the sake of their children no longer makes sense. They experience so much disappointment during the holidays that their last hope dissolves.
  • Spouses drink too much, eat too much, argue too much, stress out too much. Sometimes this is the straw that breaks the camel's back.

If you find yourself getting ready to file for divorce and throw in the towel, you might want to wait until February. Take the time to make sure that your marriage is truly over and not the victim of the pre and post-holiday drama. It is definitely worth taking one more look to see if there's any possibility to turn things around. 

If you or someone you know is contemplating divorce, contact me today! Investing in a session to see if there marriage can be revived is well worth it. Soliciting the help of a qualified licensed professional will ensure that you've covered all your bases and can determine next steps with peace of mind. And believe me, working on your marriage is far less expensive than navigating a legal divorce. You're worth it, you're family is worth it, and your marriage is worth it. Call today at 310-379-5855 or 1-888-997-2847 or email me to schedule your consultative session today.

Be well,

Julie

 

P.S. Don't forget to catch my radio/TV show Pathways to Love w'Julie Orlov LIVE every Sunday 1:30pm PST on LATalkLive!

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

The Parable of The Boiled Frog

I want to tell you a story about frogs. I know this doesn't sound like it pertains to relationships but I promise you, if you hang in there long enough, you'll get the analogy.

Here's how the story goes.

If you place a living frog in a pot of boiled water, the frog will jump out of the pot and save himself. He knows that danger lurks and his life depends on getting the heck out of there. However, if you place a frog in a pot with tepid water and slowly raise the temperature until it hits the boiling point, the frog will remain in the pot and die.

Because the temperature rises at such a slow rate, the frog doesn't notice that anything is wrong until it is too late. When the crisis hits, he is unable to escape from the boiling water. His inability to discern danger when it accumulates slowly over time is the cause his demise. His ability to adapt, tolerate and accommodate to his slowly changing and seemingly benign environment  may serve the frog in the short run—but in the end, does him in.

Now, turn your attention to your most significant relationship. What dynamics are continuing to build—dynamics that if go unnoticed and unaddressed will be the cause of your relationship's demise?  What is your version of the parable of the boiled frog?

Most relationships have at least one dynamic that will chip away at its foundation slowly over time if left unnoticed. For some, it is the addiction of one person and the collusion to that addiction from the other.  For others, it's one person’s inability to deal with their fears and anxieties and the other person's persistence in taking care of those feelings for them, often at the expense of their own needs and feelings. And for others, it's one person's resistance to growing up, taking risks and being responsible and the other person's controlling behaviors that enable their mate to stay stuck and small.  Whichever dynamic speaks to you, at the end of the day, you, your mate, and your relationship are at risk. Overtime, the temperature rises and health becomes impossible. Without a healthy environment, living beings begin to wither. Relationships, spirit, love, and emotional health are at stake.

While the dynamics may differ slightly from relationship to relationship, the results are the same. When two people accommodate each other's desire to avoid, deny, and sustain unhealthy ways of being, they keep each other safe and small. What they don't realize is that they are just like the frogs living in tepid water, water that is slowly rising in temperature until that one fateful day when they will unknowingly perish within the boiling waters.

So how can YOU avoid this from happening in your own relationship?  Here are a few things you can do to wake up and feel the temperature. Click Read in Browser to find out now!

Those who live in glass houses….

Wouldn't it be great if we could magically eliminate all those annoying and less than attractive qualities we find in the people we love.? You know what I mean—what they do is not so bad that you would end the relationship but it's bad enough to cause concern and doubt.  I'm sure you have glanced over at someone significant in your life and thought "Ugh—I wish he or she was more like this or less like that or did these things more or those things less." Fill in the blank and find what fits for you.

We all judge. We can't help but judge others—it’s in our DNA. Some of us try to pretend we don't judge; others have no problem publicly annihilating others. We judge for several reasons. First, it makes us feel righteous and superior. Find someone who judges others incessantly, you will find someone with many hidden insecurities and self-doubts. Second, others' perceived weaknesses or faults highlight our own unmet needs. And most of us don't like to feel empty and unfulfilled. Third, no one likes disappointment and everyone has expectations. When others show up less than who we want or need them to be, we are left with the job of dealing with our own feelings and issues. And finally, there's nothing more satisfying to the ego than to project our own weaknesses onto others. No one likes to admit their own imperfections and it is much easier to either project them onto someone else or distract yourself from being responsible for your own.

So this week, I want to send a little reminder to everyone, myself included.

Whatever you are judging in someone else, you have your own version within you. To illustrate my point, I'll share an example of my own. (To read my story, click Read in Browser. I know you will be able to relate!

Love and Relationship Q&A with Julie Orlov – How Do I Handle Co-Parenting with My Ex?

Love and Relationship Q&A with Julie Orlov - How Do I Handle Co-Parenting with My Ex? Relationship Help is on the way! Learn how to handle differences in parenting with your ex and what to do when your ex puts you down in front of the kids.  Watch as I explain how to deal with these issues as you co-parent your children after divorce.

Now that summer is over and the kids are back in school, parenting is once again, front and center. Parenting is tough enough for two parents to negotiate within an intact marriage, but if you're divorced and working with an "uncooperative" ex-spouse on parenting issues, the challenges can be enormous.

Today's question addresses how to deal with differences in parenting as well as what to do when an ex puts down and sabotages your parenting efforts and authority. This is common in families with two separate households. However, conflicts about parenting issues are one of the main issues over which married couples argue. So regardless of your status, this video will shed some light.

Enjoy the video and full article by clicking Read in Browser

 

To view the video on YouTube, go to http://youtu.be/3dPtWEnq7-A

5 Words That Will Ruin Your Marriage

Here's another article I published on YourTango a couple of months ago. It received thousands and thousands of hits and was syndicated on many other well-known sites. This article addresses what specific words to avoid during arguments and discussions as well as what specifically you can say and ask instead. This one is another must read!

Words are powerful. They can cut you, heal you, inspire you, and stop you. Learning the language of marriage takes time and due diligence. Here are 5 words that are destined to cause damage to your marriage. Say them regularly and the damage may be irreparable.

To read full article, Click Read in Browser

How to Deal with Anger

As a therapist, I am always emphasizing the importance of communication. Being willing to express and hear each other's feelings is crucial to maintaining a healthy relationship. However, some feelings are harder to take than others. Take anger. Anger can be hurtful and scary. It is normal to want to retreat and protect yourself from another's wrath. However, if you want a strong and intimate relationship, all feelings need to be expressed and received. You can't include the nice feelings and exclude the hard ones. It just doesn't work that way.

Some people are better at dealing with anger than others.  Some of you may have had anger directed at you in hurtful and damaging ways growing up. Others may have had little experience dealing with anger, having grown up in families that didn't express negative feelings at all. And some of you may have grown up in families where anger was an acceptable emotion that was dealt with in fairly healthy ways.  So whichever category you see yourself in, I'd like to give some helpful hints on how to hear—and I mean really hear—your partner's anger in a way that leaves you and your relationship whole as opposed to fragmented.

When your partner expresses anger, consider the following and try to implement the following process:... Click Read in Browser to read full article

Love and Relationship Q&A w’ Julie Orlov “My Wife is Always Suspicious and I’ve Never Been Unfaithful!”

Watch this Q&A session with Julie Orlov and learn what to do when the person you love always thinks you are cheating when you are not. Trust is complicated. Some people can find ways to convince themselves that their partner is cheating. Learn why this occurs and what you can do about.

This is fairly common in relationships at one stage or another. One partner can become concerned or even paranoid that the other is having an affair. It can be frustrating and difficult to contend with this when you are the partner being accused and are absolutely being 100% faithful. This lack of trust and constant vigilance over your partner’s behavior can lead to the destruction of the relationship.

Get a handle on this now before it destroys what you have. Watch the video at http://youtu.be/wFsMJ-Sec-U

And for those of you that prefer to read, here’s a summary of what you need to know.Just click on Read in Browser to access full article and video blog

Relationship Help! My Wife is Always Angry with Me!

Watch as Julie Orlov explains what is happening in your marriage when a spouse is always angry and you feel like you can never do anything right. Learn what to do to save your marriage and create a more healthy and loving way of dealing with marital and relationship issues.

Everyone knows what it’s like to be in a no-win situation. You feel like whatever you do it will never be enough to please the person you love (or anyone for that matter). You feel like you live in the “dog house” and don’t know why. You only know that it’s getting cold and lonely out there and you’d like to come back in.

All kidding aside, feeling like you are constantly on the receiving end of someone’s wrath gets old. It starts to wear down the trust and love within a relationship. On the other hand, if you or your significant other are experiencing constant frustration, then there is something to look at and understand. People can be angry and frustrated over a long period of time for a variety of reasons.

Click here to view my Q&A video that addresses the reasons why this dynamic occurs in relationships and what to do about it.

For those of you that prefer to read, click "Read in Browser" to read the full article.

What to do When You Hurt the One You Love

You know you f#@%ed up. You said something horrible to your mate or betrayed your mate in some way. You get it. You have acknowledged your wrongdoing and have apologized. You believe forgiveness is warranted and are ready to move on.

Your mate, however, is not ready to move on. She is still angry, hurt, and wounded. Trust has been broken and she is not ready to forgive. She is still hurting and still needs to make you understand just how hurtful your actions were. She’s still trying to understand why you would say or do what you did. She is still bleeding, emotionally that is…

You feel you’ve been punished enough. You don’t want this mistake to haunt you for the next two months or years for that matter. You’ve had enough and are ready to move on. You resent this continuous admonishment and want her to stop. You shut her down, saying “no more—I’ve apologized and that’s all I can do.”  Or is it?

Every couple will experience a situation like this from time to time. So what lessons can we learn from the scenario above. How can you move through a crisis in a way that promotes healing? How can you move through your crisis without causing more upset and delaying the healing process?

Here are 8 things you can do to to help you and your partner move past crisis toward healing and intimacy.

Click read in browser to access full article

Love and Relationship Q&A Video with Julie Orlov – “Why is my husband so critical of me?”

Get relationship help! Watch as Julie Orlov answers your questions on love and relationships. Today's questions addresses why your spouse is overly critical of you and what you can do about it. Just click on the read more in browser and it will take you there!

Get your questions answered by sending them in today at Julie@julieorlov.com  or leave it on this blog's comment section. Your questions will be answered this Friday, March 22nd LIVE on “Pathways to Love w’ Julie Orlov” at 2:30pm PST on www.latalklive.com/new/pathways-to-love .  Or call in with your questions and comments during the show at 323-473-3100! Can’t catch it live? No worries—you can always watch the recorded show anytime at www.latalklive.com/new/pathways-to-love!

You can also view this video along with all my other videos on my Youtube channel at http://youtu.be/J30SMZbSFLI