About Julie Orlov

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So far Julie Orlov has created 74 blog entries.

To Control or Not to Control?

Control is the most common source of anguish in our lives. Most of us secretly would like to control the actions and choices of those who impact us the most—our spouses, parents, children, ex-spouses, bosses, co-workers, etc. If we could just convince them that our way is the best way, our lives would be so much easier. If we could just get others to behave in ways that make sense to us, our problems would diminish. If we could live in a world where people accommodated our needs, life would be great. And then, there’s reality. I know you’re thinking, “I don’t want to control everything and everyone. I know that’s not possible.” I know you think you are the reasonable one. The one that understands what you have control over and what you don’t. I know you believe that it is those other people who are so controlling. But guess what? You are that person. We all are. Whether you are conscious of this or not, you spend a lot of time and energy trying to control people and things that are completely outside of your control. You leave notes for your husband in hopes that he will remember to complete your “to do” list today. You lie to your wife to avoid her anger. You threaten your kids so they will complete their chores and stay out of trouble. You spread gossip at the office about your co-worker so you will get more recognition and she will get less. And so on and so on. We are all busy squiring about trying to control our world. Sometimes we win but most of the time our strategies lack integrity and end in conflict, disappointment, frustration, or outright war. So what can we do instead? I’m certainly not suggesting you live your life in a way that relies on chance alone. You don’t want to be a victim of circumstance or someone who does not act to achieve your goals and create your life. You do have power. While you will never have control over what others think and do, you do can influence others and take actions that impact situations and interactions. Here are five golden rules to help you manage your need for control. Identify what is most important to you. What do you want to create or impact and why? Understand where you have control and where you do not. Be honest with yourself. Get your emotions under control first. While you are entitled to feel frustrated, worried or angry, good decisions always come from a place of balance. Remember, you do not live on an island. You will always need to consider and work with other people’s agendas and needs. Avoid power struggles whenever possible. Take time to consider your options. Look at the short-term and long-term risks, rewards, and unintended consequences. See what actions are in alignment with your intentions and goals. Make sure your personal integrity is intact. Consider where your motivations lie and course correct as needed. Focus on where you do have control and influence, and act accordingly. This may take the form of communicating with others, decision-making, accommodating, withdrawing, compromising, motivating, inspiring, and taking actions that move your life forward. So, the next time you struggle with wanting control, taking control and losing control, follow the five golden rules. In doing so, you will retain your personal power, be more effective in achieving your goals, and build positive relationships with those around you. If you or someone you know is struggling with the issue of control, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Contact me at 310-379-5855 or email me to schedule an appointment and start creating the life you choose today. Be well, Julie The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

The Secret to a Good Relationship is to Know Thyself

You may be asking yourself, “What is the secret to a good relationship?” Well, it all starts with you. The secret to a great relationship is knowing who you are and making new discoveries into how you interact with the world and those around you. And while I’m sure some of you are thinking you know who you are already, I am here to tell you that you don’t know yourself as well as you think. I’m referring to a phenomenon known as our blind spots. The more you become aware of your blind spots, the more you can take responsibility for your actions and reactions. In doing so, you create less destructive conflict with others and create the space for understanding, connection and problem-solving. Here are some tips to help you expand your self-awareness and shrink your blind spots. 1. Notice when you have a strong emotional reaction. Stop and reflect before you react. Take the time to assess if you need to set a limit and/or understand your emotional vulnerabilities. 2. Test out your assumptions. You may discover that you jump to similar conclusions that reflect more of your past and less of what is happening in the here and now. Practice making these distinctions. 3. Pay attention to what the world is showing you. Do your friends become defensive around you? Do you have trouble sustaining long-term relationships? Do you have financial problems? Before you choose to be the victim in these circumstances, first look at yourself and see how you might be creating or at least contributing to your life events and circumstances. 4. Be willing to consider what others tell you about how they experience you. If they say they find you angry, be willing to look at your anger. If they say you party too much, be willing to look at your lifestyle. If they say you don’t speak up enough or tolerate too much bad behavior from others, be willing to search for the “why this may be so.” 5. If you feel like you are stuck in one or more areas of your life, own what is stopping you—fear, lethargy, lack of knowledge, insecurities, ambivalence, etc. The most important aspect of creating strong and intimate relationships lies in knowing thyself. The more you understand who you are, the more you can manage your emotional reactions, share yourself authentically, and develop meaningful relationships. If you are someone you know is struggling around relationships, don’t hesitate to reach out. I’m here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Contact me at 310-379-5855 or email me to schedule an appointment and start creating the life you choose today. Be well, Julie

The Gift of Depression

Most people see depression as something painful, something to avoid. What we often miss, is the gift that depression offers us. Depression is a manifestation [...]

A Message of Love from My Daughter

In response to the extreme divisiveness that has been growing during this very long campaign season, I thought I would share a speech my daughter [...]

Got Conflict?

Most, if not all of the arguments you have with other people stem from one or both of you trying to get the following needs met:

  • You want to be understood and validated.
  • You want to be right.
  • You want to get your way.
  • It’s a simple as that.

There are four quick and simple steps that prevent arguments from continuing to go around in circles or escalate to mean and hurtful fights.

These are

  1. Seek understanding of the other person’s position first.
  2. Validate the other person’s feelings and thoughts first.
  3. Find out why it is important to other person that you believe them.
  4. Find out why it is important to the other person that they get what they want.

As hard as this may be to do when you feel passionate about your own needs, perspectives and feelings, do your best to put your needs on hold and focus on the other persons’ needs first. Doing so creates the space for your feelings, thoughts and needs to be heard next. Once both of you feel heard, understood and validated, it becomes much easier to find a solution that works for both of you.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

Be well,

Julie

P.S. If you or someone you or someone you know is experiencing too much conflict with others, don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today.

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Funny Quote for the Week!

I wanted to keep it light and funny this week, so enjoy the quote of the week!

"We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops."

Whatever works to keep your marriage working, do it with a smile on your face and good intentions from your heart.

Have a great week!

Julie

P.S. If you or someone you know is wanting to create a life filled with purpose and love, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today.

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

The Power in Speaking from The “I”

Communication is the lifeline for relationships. It is the way we understand one another, ask for what we need and want, and express how we feel. We resolve issues, generate understanding and create intimacy through our words. And yes, our words matter. How we communicate can make the difference between a conversation resulting in connection or conflict.

Here is one communication strategy that will help you diffuse defensiveness and move the conversation toward resolution and intimacy.

When you find yourself disappointed or judging your partners’ actions (or inactions), talk about you instead of focusing on your partner and what they did or didn’t do. Speak from the “I”. 

For example, instead of saying,

“Why would you park in an isolated parking structure rather than on the street where there are restaurants and people around? This is just stupid!”

Say,

“I worry about your safety and feel anxious when you park in places that I believe are unsafe. And when I’m not with you, I feel frustrated that I’m not able to ensure your safety.”

Feel the difference? When you speak from the “I”, you let your partner know more about who you are, how you feel and what’s important to you. It is less about judging or shaming the other person. In doing so, your partner will feel less defensive and more empathic toward you. Generous listening is easier. Responding with understanding and compassion increases. The ability and desire to find a solution that makes both parties comfortable increases. You set the stage for a win-win.

Let me give you another example.

Instead of saying,

“That idea is just crazy. You will never be able to get all that done and still be on time for my family get together.”

Say,

“I’m worried that you will not be able to get to my family’s celebration on time. It is a big deal to be on time in my family and when I am unable to control this or feel like you may make us late, I get very anxious.”

Picture yourself on the receiving end of both examples and see which one you would rather hear. How differently do you react based on hearing the different versions? When we speak from the “I” we communicate something about ourselves. We don’t assume or judge another. We create the space to receive support and understanding. We communicate in a way that leads to cooperation and problem-solving as opposed to power struggles and defensiveness.

Take some time this week to practice speaking from the “I” and let me know how it goes.

Be well,

Julie

P.S. If you or someone you know is struggling with communication within their relationships, don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today.

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

5 Tips to Help You Let Go of Your Anger

People get angry. Usually our anger passes. We get over it. We’ve either expressed our feelings, forgiven another, or thought it through and let it go. However, there are times when our anger doesn’t easily dissipate or we thought we let it go, only to discover that something has triggered the old anger once again.

I receive a lot of emails from spouses complaining that their other half is always angry—angry at them, angry at the world.

Here are some questions to ask yourself (or your significant other) when your anger doesn’t seem to go away or stay away very long.

  1. What resolution am I still waiting for--an apology, justice, a different outcome, agreement, or simply getting my way? Sometimes you just can’t get what you want. Having the grace to move forward in your life instead of getting trapped in a temper tantrum is what separates the victims from the victors. Which one do you want to be?
  2. Am I willing to accept that I may not get what I want? Am I able to let go and surrender to what is? Acceptance is the doorway to making powerful choices and creating the life you want.
  3. Can I forgive? Forgiveness is the antidote for anger. It brings you peace and allows you to move forward in your life with power.
  4. Can I choose to make a different choice and take a different action that will result in a different outcome? It may not be what I wanted in the first place but it is something I can live with.
  5. Can I settle into being with the unknown and letting things work out naturally? Sometimes the universe has a better plan in mind. When you’re patient and able to sit with the unknown, magical things begin to happen. Give it a try.  

So the next time you find yourself or your significant other stuck in their anger, take the time to see what you’re willing to consider. And if you choose to stay angry, then own it as a choice. There’s power in that as well.

If you or someone you know needs help in understanding what their anger is all about and letting it go, don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today.

Be well,

Julie

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Make Sure Your Relationship does NOT Become Another Post-Holiday Statistic!

Did you know that the highest number of people filing for divorce or ending their relationship occurs each January? People often hold out until after the holidays before breaking up or filing for divorce. I don’t want this to happen to you!

If you find yourself getting ready to file for divorce or throw in the towel, you might want to wait until you’ve taken the time to really understand what is happening in your relationship. Make sure your relationship is truly un-fixable and not the victim of post-holiday disappointment and drama. It is definitely worth it to take one more look and see if there's any possibility to turn things around. 

To help you in this endeavor, I am offering The Pathway to Love program at a 20% discount for the month of January. So don’t wait and order your copy today!

The Pathway to Love at-home program is not about getting your partner to “do” anything or “be” a certain way. Without a deep and profound understanding of both your partner’s internal motivations and your own, all you’ll be doing is addressing the symptoms. The fight over one thing will become a fight over something else tomorrow. The contempt won’t really disappear. It’ll just get buried until the next time something triggers you or your partner. The only way to address the core of what’s really wrong is through discovering who both of you really are and what it is that each of you needs from your relationship.

I walk you step-by-step through this process, in the privacy and comfort of your own home! 

Here’s how it works:

The Pathway to Love book will teach you about all the challenges and opportunities in the four phases of a developing relationship, helping you identify which phase you’re in right now, and illustrating how couples evolve their relationships to greater levels of intimacy. 

The Pathway to Love Workbook will take you, step by step, through a series of questions and reflections that you can do on your own or with your loved one that will move you from your “stuck” state of conflict to resolution and understanding. You’ll have an opportunity to deeply explore your true fears and desires and to learn things about your partner you’ve never known before. You’ll feel your love and trust build with every exercise and question.

The Pathway to Love Audio Guide is a candid recording of real sessions with real clients as they work with me to move through their specific struggles. You’ll hear me advise a woman who is distraught over a boyfriend who stops returning calls, help a wife and mother decide whether to stay married after her husband had an affair, and offer guidance to a couple who can’t seem to agree on how much closeness and affection is enough. By listening to these real sessions, you’ll see The Pathway to Love program “in action” and be able to apply the core lessons to your own situation.

The Pathway to Love program will also enable you to:

  • Go from struggle, fighting and disappointment to feeling deeper love, deeper trust, and more security in your relationship
  • Explore the truth about yourself and your partner so you can fully accept yourself and your partner and stop feeling “triggered”
  • Redefine, reignite, and breathe new life into your relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together or how much distance you’re feeling now
  • Create the right conditions from which you and your partner can heal, grow, and transform

If you...

  • want to feel secure and loved in your relationship,
  • Have understanding and acceptance from your partner,
  • End the fighting and struggle so you can experience peace of mind,
  • And enjoy having your partner listen to and care about your needs,
  • So you can stop feeling so alone in your relationship…

Then The Pathway to Love will help you on the journey to transforming your relationship from one of struggle and pain to one of true intimacy and profound love.

Let me show you how to work through what you’re experiencing and get more love, more affection, and more understanding from your relationship. The key to your well-being and happiness lies in how well you are able to navigate the challenges and opportunities in love. Let me show you my unique, step-by-step method for transforming conflict into greater intimacy.

ORDER THE PROGRAM NOW And receive a 20% discount - download the PDFs and MP3 files, and be reading and listening within minutes! As a bonus, I’ll also mail you a regular hardcopy of both the book and workbook.  I’ll even include a download of my interview on Carol Allen’s Interview with Enlightening Experts as well as my live presentation on The Pathway to Love recorded during my talk at The Center for Spiritual Living.

Wishing you a year of profound love and transformation,

Julie

P.S. Here's what people are saying about The Pathway to Love program and how it changed their lives...

“Insightful, practical, heartfully and psychologically sound, The Pathway to Love provides the steppingstones to creating genuine love in your life.  It is a must-read for those who value honesty, authentic commitment to self and other, and appreciate relationship as a vehicle to self-actualization.”

—Michael Bernard Beckwith, author of Spiritual Liberation~Fulfilling Your Soul’s Potential

“The Pathway to Love, for those who did not experience love as a child and fear relationships, is a journey of self-discovery.  You will acquire a whole new appreciation for who you are and what you can bring to your relationship with yourself and others. Orlov demonstrates not only how we affect and create our relationship with ourselves and others but how they can affect us in return on the creative journey of self-discovery and self-love.”

— Bernie Siegel, M.D., author of 365 Prescriptions For The Soul and 101 Exercises For The Soul

“A mercifully easy read, when love certainly isn’t, the book describes the ‘Four Phases of Love.’  Assessing at which level of development sample relationships are floundering, Dr. Orlov shows us the keys to the next door to intimacy with the encouragement that self-discovery will be the ultimate prize.”

—Melanie Chartoff, Actress, Writer

“A little book with a gigantic message... The Pathway to Love is an outstanding guide to building strong and intimate relationships in your life. I give this book a hearty cheer and found it not only informative but very enjoyable.”

—Rhonda Kendle, Spokane, WA

“You will wonder at times how she knew about you and a particular significant other because she seems to describe you and the relationship to a T. And, when you read the last page you will wish you had read it years and a number of relationships earlier.”

—Irene Conlan, Ph.D.

Julie is a great communicator and facilitator. I am still amazed at how her program, The Pathway to Love, is impacting my life on a daily basis. Her approach to understanding and improving relationships is easy to implement and I noticed results from the very first time I used some of the tools – and I’m just beginning the process. Thank you, from one Julie to another – I am now confident that I can have a better relationship with my husband, and I am grateful!

  –Julie Jennings, Partner, Shirlaws

“Knowing is not doing! This workbook is your path to actually doing what Julie teaches. Like any great guide, the workbook takes your hand and shows you the step-by-step, self-discovery process to reach your relationship destination. I encourage you to start your journey today.”

—Dave Jensen, Executive Coach and Educator, DaveJensenOnLeadership.com

ORDER THE PROGRAM NOW 

Are you ready to turn breakup into the best thing that ever happened to you? Find out how!

Because I know that relationships that take a huge hit around this time of year leaving many people reeling from the heartache of a breakup and wondering if you will ever find a love that lasts, I knew you’d want to see this.

My friend Alicia is hosting The Modern Girl’s Breakup Guide, an interview series that brings together some of the top experts on love, relationships, dating, and healing to help you survive your breakup, reclaim your life, and find happiness and true love again AND I’ve been invited to share my best tips and strategies as a part of this series.

Breakups suck.

Do you remember the first time your heart was broken? Maybe it was the schoolyard crush that didn’t even know you existed. Or maybe it was a more recent partner who swore that he/she couldn’t live without you but somehow is still breathing just fine now that he/she has left you.

You’re not alone. Pretty much every adult over a certain age has experienced at least one completely devastating heartbreak that left them asking: will I EVER find true love?!

As you might imagine, after a couple of failed attempts at love too many people either become fearful of fully opening up to someone new or might even feel so broken that they decide to totally give up on love altogether!

Either way, the end result is that you may end up shutting yourself off from the absolute BEST part of a life well-lived: Unconditional Love.

That’s exactly why I’m so excited to be a part of The Modern Girl’s Breakup Guide Interview Series hosted by Alicia where I have teamed up with some of the top experts on love, relationships, attraction, and healing to help mend broken hearts everywhere!

Be honest, have you ever asked yourself…

Why is it that some people just seem to be lucky in love?

Is it possible to find love after a failed relationship with someone who I thought was my soulmate?

Will I ever experience a love that fulfills me and lasts forever?

When will it be my turn for “happily-ever-after”?

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, keep reading.

I know that going through a breakup can be excruciating.

I also know that people who are able to turn their breakups into opportunities for self-growth and rediscovery have an easier time not only “getting over” their breakups, but are actually better able to create significant breakthroughs both in love and in life.

The Modern Girl’s Breakup Guide Interview Series is packed full of strategies that will change the way you approach love. But that’s not all! When you show up live, you will also receive amazing bonuses that are sure to supercharge your healing and open you up deep, lasting love.

If you are ready to transform your breakup into a breakthrough, I invite you to join me in The Modern Girl’s Breakup Guide Interview Series today. You can listen to my interview with Alicia on December 20th.

Click here now http://themoderngirlsbreakupguide.com/julieorlov  for FREE access.     

Be well,

Julie

P.S. A word of caution: getting over a breakup takes time and courage. The Modern Girl’s Breakup Guide approach is based on 100% self-love above all else, which means that you don’t have to rush and you definitely don’t have to “become” anything or anyone else in order to be worthy of real, deep, lasting love. What you DO have to commit to throughout this process is YOU.

Sign up now: http://themoderngirlsbreakupguide.com/julieorlov

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz