You know you f#@%ed up. You said something horrible to your mate or betrayed your mate in some way. You get it. You have acknowledged your wrongdoing and have apologized. You believe forgiveness is warranted and are ready to move on.
Your mate, however, is not ready to move on. She is still angry, hurt, and wounded. Trust has been broken and she is not ready to forgive. She is still hurting and still needs to make you understand just how hurtful your actions were. She’s still trying to understand why you would say or do what you did. She is still bleeding, emotionally that is…
You feel you’ve been punished enough. You don’t want this mistake to haunt you for the next two months or years for that matter. You’ve had enough and are ready to move on. You resent this continuous admonishment and want her to stop. You shut her down, saying “no more—I’ve apologized and that’s all I can do.” Or is it?
Every couple will experience a situation like this from time to time. So what lessons can we learn from the scenario above. How can you move through a crisis in a way that promotes healing? How can you move through your crisis without causing more upset and delaying the healing process?
Here are 8 things you can do to to help you and your partner move past crisis toward healing and intimacy. (Please note that while I’m using the female pronoun in this article, the same applies to both genders)
- Understand that some hurts require more time and attention before healing can take place. Remember, the bigger the wound, the longer the healing process.
- Listen to your partner’s feelings without becoming defensive. Validate her feelings—remember, even if you disagree with your partner’s level of reactivity, your partner has her own “legitimate” reasons for feeling and thinking the way she does. Listen again and again. If you approach your listening from the perspective of helping your partner heal, it should be less painful. You don’t need to listen from the perspective of “I’m bad.” Listen from the perspective of understanding your partner—when someone feels heard and understood, they will not need to repeat themselves again and again.
- Be willing to take responsibility for your actions. Everyone makes mistakes from time to time. Everyone uses poor judgment or makes poor choices. Acknowledging your mistake, whether it was intentional or not, will help your partner heal.
- Be willing to suffer the consequences. If you’ve hurt someone badly, you may need to tolerate your partner’s anger, distance, withdrawal, mistrust, etc. for some time. Just because you’ve apologized and are ready to move on, your significant other may not. Give your partner the space and time she needs to process the hurt and find a way to forgive and make her way back to you.
- Be willing to make restitution. For example, if you forgot your anniversary, you may want to take your wife on her dream vacation; if you’ve been unfaithful, you may need to allow your partner full access to your emails and texts; if you said something hurtful, you may want to make a point to say really nice and complimentary things to your partner every day. Remember, if you made the mess, it is your responsibility to clean it up as best you can.
- Do what you can to make it safe for your partner to reconnect. Once trust has been broken, it is normal for the injured person to feel emotionally unsafe—this will cause a person to use withdrawal or anger as a barrier. This is the time to break through your significant other’s wall, demonstrating loving and caring behaviors no matter what. This is the time to prove to your partner that you are genuinely sorry and create a safe space from which she can reconnect. Be tenacious in your willingness to take a stand for the relationship. Don’t let her anger or distance prevent you from reaching out with love and kindness.
- Discover what you need to learn about yourself, your partner, and your relationship. When you take the time to self-reflect, you have a better chance to avoid making the same mistake again. A wise person will always learn from their mistakes. Understand what went wrong and how you can do things differently next time. Communicate this learning with your partner. Together, come up with a plan on how you both can approach your relationship in a more powerful way.
- Honor the healing process. Just as a deep cut takes more care and time to heal, so does a deep emotional wound. Be patient. Take care of yourself and seek support as needed from others.
If you have caused someone you love emotional pain, there is a way to move through the healing process that results in deeper love and intimacy. Follow the guidelines above and I promise you the healing process will take less time. No one likes to hurt the person they love. But in reality, this will happen from time to time. So when it does, it behooves you to learn how to transform the crisis into more understanding, acceptance, and love.
If you or someone you know is struggling with creating a strong and intimate relationship, please reach out and contact me. I am here to provide personalized guidance and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve.
As always, I’m here to support you in creating a transformational life and strong and powerful relationships.
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Hello my name is Zoe Anastasia I’ve been in an online relationship with a guy for 7 months and we
Met off a dating site we never met in person he doesn’t know what I look like but he loves me for my personality so far so for four weeks he’s been ignoring me we had a fight four weeks before about we both had a unpleasant day so we kind of both said rude things to each other and he never spoke to me agian?
Hi my name is Breanne, I need help. I hurt my boyfriend by hanging out with another guy, though nothing happened and I wouldn’t let it. I didn’t tell my boyfriend that I hung out with the guy but someone my boyfriend knows blew it out of proportion. And so now he says he can’t believe anything I say or trust me. I don’t want to lose him. And I acknowledged my mistake and told him I should have never hung out with the other guy. But he said he didn’t know what was going to happen. But that he would think about giving me a chance to fix it. I don’t know what to do next.
What if you did the right thing but someone you loved is hurt by it
The most important thing for everyone to remember is to give the other person time to work through their feelings and find their way to resolution. There are many things to learn from a hurtful experience with someone you love. 1) what do you need to learn about yourself? What button was pushed? 2) are you making assumptions about the intent behind the action? Do you know if your assumptions are correct? 3) is there a request or boundary you need to communicate moving forward? and 4) are you able to forgive and move on.
If you are the one who hurt someone, you need to remember you do not have control on how, when, or if your significant other will address the questions above. The best advice I can give is to be your best self, give the person some space and if your partner decides to move on, do the work of grieving and letting go.
Me and my girlfriend have had a lot of issues.. I work in EMS and have a lot of baggage. Me an her both grew up in broken homes and foster care.. We both have kids outside of relationship.. We both have bad communication skills unless angry.. I need help.. We fight I put her down with words not physically.. I don’t know how it started.. Never been this way before.. But, I am suffocating her affectionately.. I try to give her time and space.. But, there are days I really really need her but she is not there for me.. So I push harder.. We got into a fight Friday over something stupid again.. Tonight she dumped me.. We live together.. At least she didn’t kick me an daughter out.. But, I really really love this woman.. I never wanted her to be hurt.. Nor hurt her. I got angry an ran my Damn mouth.. I need help.. It has been a dark veil over us for couple of months.. I just lost my son to dss because of his violent ways.. So I’m dealing with a lot of pain an emotions that I’m not able to release an deal with.. How can I show she is not a whipping post.. How do I save the one I love.. I have never ever felt this strong about someone..
Hi,I hope you can help me. I have really bad anger issues sometimes and it’s sort of like my mood and personality changes here and there. There are a couple of reasons why I get upset in life and at times I just blame it on my partner. This was one time where I said she doesn’t care for me, she doesn’t stand by my side and that she complains about my behavior. And I went on and on until she got really badly hurt and was completely devastated. The most horrible part is that I didn’t care untill the end . I seem like a monster . I have done something to hurt her really very badly by saying such stuff and now I’ve completely broken her and I have dreaded doing this ever since. What do I do ? I feel like a monster for doing all of this. I don’t expect her to forgive me not to ever forget this.i screwed up really badly and I don’t know what to do. Please help me .
Hi , I am into a relationship with a guy since two months but our relationship has reached to the level of marriage . We together have dreamed to marry n having children. We were living in together since last month Every thing was just going perfect we love a lot to each other but now a week before I have been shifted to my parents apartment n from the very second day fights started as he is not at all ready to pamper his girl frn even for a small fight he has a lot of ego so do I , due to which our fight become massive n we spoke a lot of bad words to each other my nature is to forget everything but he has taken every single word on his self esteem n want to break up with me but I don’t want to spoil my relationship just for a silly fight .. I love him a lot n can’t live without him plz do help me how can I settle down every thing he is not ready to normalise anything . But I don’t want to give up on my love .. plz suggest me something I can do
Hurting is so easy but the wound that we create over them may take a lot of time to get heald . So that the only thing we can do is just forgive the mistake they made and tell them that should never be done again.
I have a problem with looking at guys to see if they are looking at me. It makes me feel good about myself. The problem is, I’m married to a wonderful man and now he feels insecure. I’ve destroyed his confidence and I hate myself for that. I’ve made excuses after excuses about how insignificant my behavior is and should not be something that’s means I’m not fulfilled. My behavior is causing a divorce that I dont want to happen. Now I just want to do anything to rebuild his confidence and trust that I won’t leave him for another man.
Hey! Am so broken am engaged to this loving man who happens to be in the army and now out for mission, since he left my fiancee has become so insecure, so angry and we keep fighting over nothing, he at times ignores talking to me and that makes me sad,I kept a picture of me and a male workmate in Facebook to make him feel jealous and yes he did and in return he blocked so we are not talking plz help me to get my love back