family relationships – Julie Orlov

The Power in Speaking from The “I”

Communication is the lifeline for relationships. It is the way we understand one another, ask for what we need and want, and express how we feel. We resolve issues, generate understanding and create intimacy through our words. And yes, our words matter. How we communicate can make the difference between a conversation resulting in connection or conflict.

Here is one communication strategy that will help you diffuse defensiveness and move the conversation toward resolution and intimacy.

When you find yourself disappointed or judging your partners’ actions (or inactions), talk about you instead of focusing on your partner and what they did or didn’t do. Speak from the “I”.

For example, instead of saying,

“Why would you park in an isolated parking structure rather than on the street where there are restaurants and people around? This is just stupid!”

Say,

“I worry about your safety and feel anxious when you park in places that I believe are unsafe. And when I’m not with you, I feel frustrated that I’m not able to ensure your safety.”

Feel the difference? When you speak from the “I”, you let your partner know more about who you are, how you feel and what’s important to you. It is less about judging or shaming the other person. In doing so, your partner will feel less defensive and more empathic toward you. Generous listening is easier. Responding with understanding and compassion increases. The ability and desire to find a solution that makes both parties comfortable increases. You set the stage for a win-win.

Let me give you another example.

Instead of saying,

“That idea is just crazy. You will never be able to get all that done and still be on time for my family get together.”

Say,

“I’m worried that you will not be able to get to my family’s celebration on time. It is a big deal to be on time in my family and when I am unable to control this or feel like you may make us late, I get very anxious.”

Picture yourself on the receiving end of both examples and see which one you would rather hear. How differently do you react based on hearing the different versions? When we speak from the “I” we communicate something about ourselves. We don’t assume or judge another. We create the space to receive support and understanding. We communicate in a way that leads to cooperation and problem-solving as opposed to power struggles and defensiveness.

Take some time this week to practice speaking from the “I” and let me know how it goes.

Be well,

Julie

P.S. If you or someone you know is struggling with communication within their relationships, don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today.

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Make Sure Your Relationship does NOT Become Another Post-Holiday Statistic!

Did you know that the highest number of people filing for divorce or ending their relationship occurs each January? People often hold out until after the holidays before breaking up or filing for divorce. I don’t want this to happen to you!

If you find yourself getting ready to file for divorce or throw in the towel, you might want to wait until you’ve taken the time to really understand what is happening in your relationship. Make sure your relationship is truly un-fixable and not the victim of post-holiday disappointment and drama. It is definitely worth it to take one more look and see if there's any possibility to turn things around.

To help you in this endeavor, I am offering The Pathway to Love program at a 20% discount for the month of January. So don’t wait and order your copy today!

The Pathway to Love at-home program is not about getting your partner to “do” anything or “be” a certain way. Without a deep and profound understanding of both your partner’s internal motivations and your own, all you’ll be doing is addressing the symptoms. The fight over one thing will become a fight over something else tomorrow. The contempt won’t really disappear. It’ll just get buried until the next time something triggers you or your partner. The only way to address the core of what’s really wrong is through discovering who both of you really are and what it is that each of you needs from your relationship.

I walk you step-by-step through this process, in the privacy and comfort of your own home!

Here’s how it works:

The Pathway to Love book will teach you about all the challenges and opportunities in the four phases of a developing relationship, helping you identify which phase you’re in right now, and illustrating how couples evolve their relationships to greater levels of intimacy.

The Pathway to Love Workbook will take you, step by step, through a series of questions and reflections that you can do on your own or with your loved one that will move you from your “stuck” state of conflict to resolution and understanding. You’ll have an opportunity to deeply explore your true fears and desires and to learn things about your partner you’ve never known before. You’ll feel your love and trust build with every exercise and question.

The Pathway to Love Audio Guide is a candid recording of real sessions with real clients as they work with me to move through their specific struggles. You’ll hear me advise a woman who is distraught over a boyfriend who stops returning calls, help a wife and mother decide whether to stay married after her husband had an affair, and offer guidance to a couple who can’t seem to agree on how much closeness and affection is enough. By listening to these real sessions, you’ll see The Pathway to Love program “in action” and be able to apply the core lessons to your own situation.

The Pathway to Love program will also enable you to:

Go from struggle, fighting and disappointment to feeling deeper love, deeper trust, and more security in your relationship
Explore the truth about yourself and your partner so you can fully accept yourself and your partner and stop feeling “triggered”
Redefine, reignite, and breathe new life into your relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together or how much distance you’re feeling now
Create the right conditions from which you and your partner can heal, grow, and transform

If you...

want to feel secure and loved in your relationship,
Have understanding and acceptance from your partner,
End the fighting and struggle so you can experience peace of mind,
And enjoy having your partner listen to and care about your needs,
So you can stop feeling so alone in your relationship…

Then The Pathway to Love will help you on the journey to transforming your relationship from one of struggle and pain to one of true intimacy and profound love.

Let me show you how to work through what you’re experiencing and get more love, more affection, and more understanding from your relationship. The key to your well-being and happiness lies in how well you are able to navigate the challenges and opportunities in love. Let me show you my unique, step-by-step method for transforming conflict into greater intimacy.

ORDER THE PROGRAM NOW And receive a 20% discount - download the PDFs and MP3 files, and be reading and listening within minutes! As a bonus, I’ll also mail you a regular hardcopy of both the book and workbook. I’ll even include a download of my interview on Carol Allen’s Interview with Enlightening Experts as well as my live presentation on The Pathway to Love recorded during my talk at The Center for Spiritual Living.

Wishing you a year of profound love and transformation,

Julie

P.S. Here's what people are saying about The Pathway to Love program and how it changed their lives...

“Insightful, practical, heartfully and psychologically sound, The Pathway to Love provides the steppingstones to creating genuine love in your life. It is a must-read for those who value honesty, authentic commitment to self and other, and appreciate relationship as a vehicle to self-actualization.”

—Michael Bernard Beckwith, author of Spiritual Liberation~Fulfilling Your Soul’s Potential

“The Pathway to Love, for those who did not experience love as a child and fear relationships, is a journey of self-discovery. You will acquire a whole new appreciation for who you are and what you can bring to your relationship with yourself and others. Orlov demonstrates not only how we affect and create our relationship with ourselves and others but how they can affect us in return on the creative journey of self-discovery and self-love.”

— Bernie Siegel, M.D., author of 365 Prescriptions For The Soul and 101 Exercises For The Soul

“A mercifully easy read, when love certainly isn’t, the book describes the ‘Four Phases of Love.’ Assessing at which level of development sample relationships are floundering, Dr. Orlov shows us the keys to the next door to intimacy with the encouragement that self-discovery will be the ultimate prize.”

—Melanie Chartoff, Actress, Writer

“A little book with a gigantic message... The Pathway to Love is an outstanding guide to building strong and intimate relationships in your life. I give this book a hearty cheer and found it not only informative but very enjoyable.”

—Rhonda Kendle, Spokane, WA

“You will wonder at times how she knew about you and a particular significant other because she seems to describe you and the relationship to a T. And, when you read the last page you will wish you had read it years and a number of relationships earlier.”

—Irene Conlan, Ph.D.

“Julie is a great communicator and facilitator. I am still amazed at how her program, The Pathway to Love, is impacting my life on a daily basis. Her approach to understanding and improving relationships is easy to implement and I noticed results from the very first time I used some of the tools – and I’m just beginning the process. Thank you, from one Julie to another – I am now confident that I can have a better relationship with my husband, and I am grateful! “

–Julie Jennings, Partner, Shirlaws

“Knowing is not doing! This workbook is your path to actually doing what Julie teaches. Like any great guide, the workbook takes your hand and shows you the step-by-step, self-discovery process to reach your relationship destination. I encourage you to start your journey today.”

—Dave Jensen, Executive Coach and Educator, DaveJensenOnLeadership.com

ORDER THE PROGRAM NOW

The Number One Myth My Clients Believe

I have worked with all kinds of clients with all kinds of issues over the years. The number one myth that people believe is that once you have an “ah ha” moment and “let it go” then the issue will be gone forever. Never will you have to feel the pain associated with the past; never will you have those disturbing thoughts that stem from outdated beliefs about what happened and what you made it mean.

Here‘s the truth. You can have an insight; you can understand what makes you tick and why;you can release the feelings and beliefs associated with the past. And, it is quite probable that those automatic reactions, beliefs and feelings will surface once again. You can forgive someone for deeds done and understand that it is quite possible, even probable that you will need to forgive that same person for the same deed again and again.

It takes a long time—some would say a lifetime—to truly let something go. It’s like building a muscle. You need to continually work on developing the skills to recognize when something from the past has been triggered again, engage in a reality check, remind yourself that the old way of reacting no longer serves you and your relationships, and let go, once again.

It is through the practice of letting go that true letting go occurs. A wise person knows that the body and mind have a powerful memory. It takes time and repetition before the body and mind will release their grip on what they thought was so. It takes time and repetition to reassure the body and mind that it is safe to let go and adopt a new way of thinking and being. And, it takes time and repetition to acquire mastery in this process.

So the next time you say, “I thought I was past this already; what is wrong with me?“

Simply respond by saying “Nothing is wrong; I simply need to let go… again.”

And one day you just might discover that old issue has lost its grip and a new perspective is alive and well.

If you or someone you know is struggling with letting go of old issues, feelings and beliefs, don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today.

Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve.

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

What Are You So Angry About?

Anger is both a cause and symptom of trouble. Anger is neither a good or bad feeling. It's simply a feeling. Having said this, anger is a powerful emotion. It has a lot of energy. How you channel this energy is crucial. There is definitely an upside and a downside to anger.

The upside of anger is its ability to mobilize you into action--to change, remove and protect yourself. Your anger may lead you to addressing a problem rather than avoiding it, leaving an abusive relationship, finding a new job, moving from a bad living situation, setting stronger limits with others and taking care of yourself better.

The downside of anger is that it is easy for anger to take over. You can lose control. When anger runs the show it is easy to alienate others and make poor choices. You may say things you regret, act out in malicious ways or seek revenge. If you don't have a handle on your anger, it can destroy relationships, create financial and legal problems, and wreak havoc on your physical, emotional and psychological well-being.

The opposite is just a true. Understanding and managing your anger well can lead to restoring your personal power and integrity, setting appropriate limits with others, making positive changes in your life, and clearing up any misunderstandings with others. In the end, you have the possibility to strengthen your relationships and your overall well-being.

So what are you really angry about? Here's some "real" reasons why you get angry.

You're scared
You're hurt
You feel disrespected
You feel unappreciated
You didn't get what you want
You can't get what you need
You feel victimized and violated

What to do?

Acknowledge your feelings
Test reality
Take a look at the situation from all possible perspectives
Own what is yours
Confront what is not
Seek mutual understanding
Find forgiveness
Take action that moves you and your life forward in a positive direction.

Simple enough?

Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Learning to manage your anger is a lifelong process. We never attain perfection. So give yourself and others a break when anger runs amuck. Clean up the mess and resolve to do better next time.

If you or someone you know is struggling with managing anger, please reach out and contact me. I'm here to help. Sometimes it only takes a session or two for powerful shifts to occur. You and your loved ones deserve it. I work via Skype or telephone for those that are not in the Los Angeles area. Email or call at 310-379-5855310-379-5855 to schedule your session today.

Be well,

Julie

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

My Quote for the Year!

Every now and then, I come across a quote that warrants a place in my blog. A friend of mine sent me this quote the other week. I loved it so much I want to pass it on to you as my quote of the year.

"When you start to really know someone, all of their physical characteristics start to disappear. You begin to dwell in their energy, recognize the scent of their skin. You see only the essence of the person, not the shell. That's why you can't fall in love with beauty. You can lust after it, be infatuated by it, want to own it. You can love it with your eyes and your body but not with your heart. And that's why, when you really connect with a person's inner self, any physical imperfections disappear, becoming irrelevant." - Lisa Unger

This is a beautifully written passage and one that speaks so many truths on so many levels. I am still amazed at just how much emphasis we place on exterior beauty--or at least the latest version of what we consider beautiful--and just how much energy and emotional turmoil is spent in trying to reach that standard or denigrate ourselves for lacking there in.

While I know there are research studies that explain how certain physical characteristics trigger certain responses in our brain stem and how our mammalian brain works to ensure the survival of the species, our obsession with how we look has gone far beyond any evolutionary needs. We use beauty as a weapon--a weapon against ourselves and each other. We use beauty as a means to feel powerful and secure--all of which is simply untrue. I've seen empty marriages and relationships based on beauty. I've seen couples argue and fight over the need for beauty. And sadly, I've seen too many people suffer physically, emotionally, and spiritually all over our obsession with beauty.

What a waste of our humanity.

What a waste of energy.

I can't even imagine how many opportunities for love and connection have never been fully realized in the pursuit of perfection.

It's left us feeling isolated, alone and disconnected.

And yet everyone of us knows the real truth. When you are faced with losing someone you love, it is not their external physical appearance you will miss. If this were the case, you could alleviate the loss by simply looking at a photograph. You miss your loved one's energy, essence, heart, mind and soul.

So this holiday season, instead of making the new year's resolution to lose 10 pounds, get a face-lift, breast augmentation, nose job, wax job, hair extensions, or whatever else you believe will make you physically desirable and acceptable, why not make a resolution to love your beautiful self and the people around you as is.

Remember what truly counts. Remember what will one day be missed.

Wishing you all a joyous holiday season filled with love and self-discovery.

I just want to remind you that my holiday gift to you is a 20% discount for purchasing The Pathway to Love program, designed to help you create strong and intimate relationships whether you currently have one or are currently looking for a new and wonderful love. Simply enter the special code Gratitude and order your copy today!

Julie

P.S. If you or someone you know wants to create strong and intimate relationships in every area of your life, don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized guidance and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve.

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

What You Need to Know About Acceptance

I wrote an article about acceptance some years back but thought the topic is so important that I'd write an updated version of the same. A lot of people are now talking about "unconditional love" and the act of acceptance. I've been writing about this for years. And yes, part of the process of creating transformational relationships is to come to a place of acceptance--acceptance of both yourself and your mate. It is part of phase three in The Pathway to Love and is the gateway towards an incredibly intimate, passionate, and fulfilling relationship.

However, there are important things to know about what acceptance truly means and what it does not. There are other things to know about how one goes about getting there. So in the interest of setting things straight, here's what you need to know.

I highly suggest you click Read in Browser to access the full article. This information is too important to miss!

The Parable of The Boiled Frog

I want to tell you a story about frogs. I know this doesn't sound like it pertains to relationships but I promise you, if you hang in there long enough, you'll get the analogy.

Here's how the story goes.

If you place a living frog in a pot of boiled water, the frog will jump out of the pot and save himself. He knows that danger lurks and his life depends on getting the heck out of there. However, if you place a frog in a pot with tepid water and slowly raise the temperature until it hits the boiling point, the frog will remain in the pot and die.

Because the temperature rises at such a slow rate, the frog doesn't notice that anything is wrong until it is too late. When the crisis hits, he is unable to escape from the boiling water. His inability to discern danger when it accumulates slowly over time is the cause his demise. His ability to adapt, tolerate and accommodate to his slowly changing and seemingly benign environment may serve the frog in the short run—but in the end, does him in.

Now, turn your attention to your most significant relationship. What dynamics are continuing to build—dynamics that if go unnoticed and unaddressed will be the cause of your relationship's demise? What is your version of the parable of the boiled frog?

Most relationships have at least one dynamic that will chip away at its foundation slowly over time if left unnoticed. For some, it is the addiction of one person and the collusion to that addiction from the other. For others, it's one person’s inability to deal with their fears and anxieties and the other person's persistence in taking care of those feelings for them, often at the expense of their own needs and feelings. And for others, it's one person's resistance to growing up, taking risks and being responsible and the other person's controlling behaviors that enable their mate to stay stuck and small. Whichever dynamic speaks to you, at the end of the day, you, your mate, and your relationship are at risk. Overtime, the temperature rises and health becomes impossible. Without a healthy environment, living beings begin to wither. Relationships, spirit, love, and emotional health are at stake.

While the dynamics may differ slightly from relationship to relationship, the results are the same. When two people accommodate each other's desire to avoid, deny, and sustain unhealthy ways of being, they keep each other safe and small. What they don't realize is that they are just like the frogs living in tepid water, water that is slowly rising in temperature until that one fateful day when they will unknowingly perish within the boiling waters.

So how can YOU avoid this from happening in your own relationship? Here are a few things you can do to wake up and feel the temperature. Click Read in Browser to find out now!

Love and Relationship Q&A with Julie Orlov – How Do I Handle Co-Parenting with My Ex?

Love and Relationship Q&A with Julie Orlov - How Do I Handle Co-Parenting with My Ex? Relationship Help is on the way! Learn how to handle differences in parenting with your ex and what to do when your ex puts you down in front of the kids. Watch as I explain how to deal with these issues as you co-parent your children after divorce.

Now that summer is over and the kids are back in school, parenting is once again, front and center. Parenting is tough enough for two parents to negotiate within an intact marriage, but if you're divorced and working with an "uncooperative" ex-spouse on parenting issues, the challenges can be enormous.

Today's question addresses how to deal with differences in parenting as well as what to do when an ex puts down and sabotages your parenting efforts and authority. This is common in families with two separate households. However, conflicts about parenting issues are one of the main issues over which married couples argue. So regardless of your status, this video will shed some light.

Enjoy the video and full article by clicking Read in Browser

To view the video on YouTube, go to http://youtu.be/3dPtWEnq7-A

Keep the Stuffing in the Turkey and Out of Your Family Gathering

It’s that time again—the beginning of the holiday season. I actually had another topic I was going to address this week in my blog but I succumbed to the pressure I felt (from whom or what, I’m not sure) to write about Thanksgiving. I guess it makes sense to do so as family gatherings provoke a lot of things for many people. For some, the annual get-togethers are something to look forward to—a means to connect and spend time with family. But for many, Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a holiday season riddled with anxiety, trepidation, obligation, and conflict. So for those of you who look forward to breaking bread or a solid turkey drumstick, this article may not resonate. But for those that have any anticipatory anxiety about this coming Thursday or know someone who doesn’t jump for joy with the prospect of another family holiday gathering or lack thereof, please read on.