Control is the most common source of anguish in our lives. Most of us secretly would like to control the actions and choices of those who impact us the most—our spouses, parents, children, ex-spouses, bosses, co-workers, etc. If we could just convince them that our way is the best way, our lives would be so much easier. If we could just get others to behave in ways that make sense to us, our problems would diminish. If we could live in a world where people accommodated our needs, life would be great. And then, there’s reality. I know you’re thinking, “I don’t want to control everything and everyone. I know that’s not possible.” I know you think you are the reasonable one. The one that understands what you have control over and what you don’t. I know you believe that it is those other people who are so controlling. But guess what? You are that person. We all are. Whether you are conscious of this or not, you spend a lot of time and energy trying to control people and things that are completely outside of your control. You leave notes for your husband in hopes that he will remember to complete your “to do” list today. You lie to your wife to avoid her anger. You threaten your kids so they will complete their chores and stay out of trouble. You spread gossip at the office about your co-worker so you will get more recognition and she will get less. And so on and so on. We are all busy squiring about trying to control our world. Sometimes we win but most of the time our strategies lack integrity and end in conflict, disappointment, frustration, or outright war. So what can we do instead? I’m certainly not suggesting you live your life in a way that relies on chance alone. You don’t want to be a victim of circumstance or someone who does not act to achieve your goals and create your life. You do have power. While you will never have control over what others think and do, you do can influence others and take actions that impact situations and interactions. Here are five golden rules to help you manage your need for control. Identify what is most important to you. What do you want to create or impact and why? Understand where you have control and where you do not. Be honest with yourself. Get your emotions under control first. While you are entitled to feel frustrated, worried or angry, good decisions always come from a place of balance. Remember, you do not live on an island. You will always need to consider and work with other people’s agendas and needs. Avoid power struggles whenever possible. Take time to consider your options. Look at the short-term and long-term risks, rewards, and unintended consequences. See what actions are in alignment with your intentions and goals. Make sure your personal integrity is intact. Consider where your motivations lie and course correct as needed. Focus on where you do have control and influence, and act accordingly. This may take the form of communicating with others, decision-making, accommodating, withdrawing, compromising, motivating, inspiring, and taking actions that move your life forward. So, the next time you struggle with wanting control, taking control and losing control, follow the five golden rules. In doing so, you will retain your personal power, be more effective in achieving your goals, and build positive relationships with those around you. If you or someone you know is struggling with the issue of control, don’t hesitate to contact me. I’m here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Contact me at 310-379-5855 or email me to schedule an appointment and start creating the life you choose today. Be well, Julie The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz
Communication is the lifeline for relationships. It is the way we understand one another, ask for what we need and want, and express how we feel. We resolve issues, generate understanding and create intimacy through our words. And yes, our words matter. How we communicate can make the difference between a conversation resulting in connection or conflict.
Here is one communication strategy that will help you diffuse defensiveness and move the conversation toward resolution and intimacy.
When you find yourself disappointed or judging your partners’ actions (or inactions), talk about you instead of focusing on your partner and what they did or didn’t do. Speak from the “I”.
For example, instead of saying,
“Why would you park in an isolated parking structure rather than on the street where there are restaurants and people around? This is just stupid!”
“I worry about your safety and feel anxious when you park in places that I believe are unsafe. And when I’m not with you, I feel frustrated that I’m not able to ensure your safety.”
Feel the difference? When you speak from the “I”, you let your partner know more about who you are, how you feel and what’s important to you. It is less about judging or shaming the other person. In doing so, your partner will feel less defensive and more empathic toward you. Generous listening is easier. Responding with understanding and compassion increases. The ability and desire to find a solution that makes both parties comfortable increases. You set the stage for a win-win.
Let me give you another example.
Instead of saying,
“That idea is just crazy. You will never be able to get all that done and still be on time for my family get together.”
“I’m worried that you will not be able to get to my family’s celebration on time. It is a big deal to be on time in my family and when I am unable to control this or feel like you may make us late, I get very anxious.”
Picture yourself on the receiving end of both examples and see which one you would rather hear. How differently do you react based on hearing the different versions? When we speak from the “I” we communicate something about ourselves. We don’t assume or judge another. We create the space to receive support and understanding. We communicate in a way that leads to cooperation and problem-solving as opposed to power struggles and defensiveness.
Take some time this week to practice speaking from the “I” and let me know how it goes.
P.S. If you or someone you know is struggling with communication within their relationships, don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today.
About me: www.julieorlov.com/about
About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love
About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz
Did you know that the highest number of people filing for divorce or ending their relationship occurs each January? People often hold out until after the holidays before breaking up or filing for divorce. I don’t want this to happen to you!
If you find yourself getting ready to file for divorce or throw in the towel, you might want to wait until you’ve taken the time to really understand what is happening in your relationship. Make sure your relationship is truly un-fixable and not the victim of post-holiday disappointment and drama. It is definitely worth it to take one more look and see if there's any possibility to turn things around.
To help you in this endeavor, I am offering The Pathway to Love program at a 20% discount for the month of January. So don’t wait and order your copy today!
The Pathway to Love at-home program is not about getting your partner to “do” anything or “be” a certain way. Without a deep and profound understanding of both your partner’s internal motivations and your own, all you’ll be doing is addressing the symptoms. The fight over one thing will become a fight over something else tomorrow. The contempt won’t really disappear. It’ll just get buried until the next time something triggers you or your partner. The only way to address the core of what’s really wrong is through discovering who both of you really are and what it is that each of you needs from your relationship.
I walk you step-by-step through this process, in the privacy and comfort of your own home!
Here’s how it works:
The Pathway to Love book will teach you about all the challenges and opportunities in the four phases of a developing relationship, helping you identify which phase you’re in right now, and illustrating how couples evolve their relationships to greater levels of intimacy.
The Pathway to Love Workbook will take you, step by step, through a series of questions and reflections that you can do on your own or with your loved one that will move you from your “stuck” state of conflict to resolution and understanding. You’ll have an opportunity to deeply explore your true fears and desires and to learn things about your partner you’ve never known before. You’ll feel your love and trust build with every exercise and question.
The Pathway to Love Audio Guide is a candid recording of real sessions with real clients as they work with me to move through their specific struggles. You’ll hear me advise a woman who is distraught over a boyfriend who stops returning calls, help a wife and mother decide whether to stay married after her husband had an affair, and offer guidance to a couple who can’t seem to agree on how much closeness and affection is enough. By listening to these real sessions, you’ll see The Pathway to Love program “in action” and be able to apply the core lessons to your own situation.
The Pathway to Love program will also enable you to:
- Go from struggle, fighting and disappointment to feeling deeper love, deeper trust, and more security in your relationship
- Explore the truth about yourself and your partner so you can fully accept yourself and your partner and stop feeling “triggered”
- Redefine, reignite, and breathe new life into your relationship, no matter how long you’ve been together or how much distance you’re feeling now
- Create the right conditions from which you and your partner can heal, grow, and transform
- want to feel secure and loved in your relationship,
- Have understanding and acceptance from your partner,
- End the fighting and struggle so you can experience peace of mind,
- And enjoy having your partner listen to and care about your needs,
- So you can stop feeling so alone in your relationship…
Then The Pathway to Love will help you on the journey to transforming your relationship from one of struggle and pain to one of true intimacy and profound love.
Let me show you how to work through what you’re experiencing and get more love, more affection, and more understanding from your relationship. The key to your well-being and happiness lies in how well you are able to navigate the challenges and opportunities in love. Let me show you my unique, step-by-step method for transforming conflict into greater intimacy.
ORDER THE PROGRAM NOW And receive a 20% discount - download the PDFs and MP3 files, and be reading and listening within minutes! As a bonus, I’ll also mail you a regular hardcopy of both the book and workbook. I’ll even include a download of my interview on Carol Allen’s Interview with Enlightening Experts as well as my live presentation on The Pathway to Love recorded during my talk at The Center for Spiritual Living.
Wishing you a year of profound love and transformation,
P.S. Here's what people are saying about The Pathway to Love program and how it changed their lives...
“Insightful, practical, heartfully and psychologically sound, The Pathway to Love provides the steppingstones to creating genuine love in your life. It is a must-read for those who value honesty, authentic commitment to self and other, and appreciate relationship as a vehicle to self-actualization.”
—Michael Bernard Beckwith, author of Spiritual Liberation~Fulfilling Your Soul’s Potential
“The Pathway to Love, for those who did not experience love as a child and fear relationships, is a journey of self-discovery. You will acquire a whole new appreciation for who you are and what you can bring to your relationship with yourself and others. Orlov demonstrates not only how we affect and create our relationship with ourselves and others but how they can affect us in return on the creative journey of self-discovery and self-love.”
— Bernie Siegel, M.D., author of 365 Prescriptions For The Soul and 101 Exercises For The Soul
“A mercifully easy read, when love certainly isn’t, the book describes the ‘Four Phases of Love.’ Assessing at which level of development sample relationships are floundering, Dr. Orlov shows us the keys to the next door to intimacy with the encouragement that self-discovery will be the ultimate prize.”
—Melanie Chartoff, Actress, Writer
“A little book with a gigantic message... The Pathway to Love is an outstanding guide to building strong and intimate relationships in your life. I give this book a hearty cheer and found it not only informative but very enjoyable.”
—Rhonda Kendle, Spokane, WA
“You will wonder at times how she knew about you and a particular significant other because she seems to describe you and the relationship to a T. And, when you read the last page you will wish you had read it years and a number of relationships earlier.”
—Irene Conlan, Ph.D.
“Julie is a great communicator and facilitator. I am still amazed at how her program, The Pathway to Love, is impacting my life on a daily basis. Her approach to understanding and improving relationships is easy to implement and I noticed results from the very first time I used some of the tools – and I’m just beginning the process. Thank you, from one Julie to another – I am now confident that I can have a better relationship with my husband, and I am grateful! “
–Julie Jennings, Partner, Shirlaws
“Knowing is not doing! This workbook is your path to actually doing what Julie teaches. Like any great guide, the workbook takes your hand and shows you the step-by-step, self-discovery process to reach your relationship destination. I encourage you to start your journey today.”
—Dave Jensen, Executive Coach and Educator, DaveJensenOnLeadership.com
Because I know that relationships that take a huge hit around this time of year leaving many people reeling from the heartache of a breakup and wondering if you will ever find a love that lasts, I knew you’d want to see this.
My friend Alicia is hosting The Modern Girl’s Breakup Guide, an interview series that brings together some of the top experts on love, relationships, dating, and healing to help you survive your breakup, reclaim your life, and find happiness and true love again AND I’ve been invited to share my best tips and strategies as a part of this series.
Do you remember the first time your heart was broken? Maybe it was the schoolyard crush that didn’t even know you existed. Or maybe it was a more recent partner who swore that he/she couldn’t live without you but somehow is still breathing just fine now that he/she has left you.
You’re not alone. Pretty much every adult over a certain age has experienced at least one completely devastating heartbreak that left them asking: will I EVER find true love?!
As you might imagine, after a couple of failed attempts at love too many people either become fearful of fully opening up to someone new or might even feel so broken that they decide to totally give up on love altogether!
Either way, the end result is that you may end up shutting yourself off from the absolute BEST part of a life well-lived: Unconditional Love.
That’s exactly why I’m so excited to be a part of The Modern Girl’s Breakup Guide Interview Series hosted by Alicia where I have teamed up with some of the top experts on love, relationships, attraction, and healing to help mend broken hearts everywhere!
Be honest, have you ever asked yourself…
Why is it that some people just seem to be lucky in love?
Is it possible to find love after a failed relationship with someone who I thought was my soulmate?
Will I ever experience a love that fulfills me and lasts forever?
When will it be my turn for “happily-ever-after”?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, keep reading.
I know that going through a breakup can be excruciating.
I also know that people who are able to turn their breakups into opportunities for self-growth and rediscovery have an easier time not only “getting over” their breakups, but are actually better able to create significant breakthroughs both in love and in life.
The Modern Girl’s Breakup Guide Interview Series is packed full of strategies that will change the way you approach love. But that’s not all! When you show up live, you will also receive amazing bonuses that are sure to supercharge your healing and open you up deep, lasting love.
If you are ready to transform your breakup into a breakthrough, I invite you to join me in The Modern Girl’s Breakup Guide Interview Series today. You can listen to my interview with Alicia on December 20th.
Click here now http://themoderngirlsbreakupguide.com/julieorlov for FREE access.
P.S. A word of caution: getting over a breakup takes time and courage. The Modern Girl’s Breakup Guide approach is based on 100% self-love above all else, which means that you don’t have to rush and you definitely don’t have to “become” anything or anyone else in order to be worthy of real, deep, lasting love. What you DO have to commit to throughout this process is YOU.
Sign up now: http://themoderngirlsbreakupguide.com/julieorlov
About me: www.julieorlov.com/about
About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love
About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz
Today's question deals with how difficult it can be to forgive someone who has hurt or disappointed you. This video Q&A talks about the power of forgiveness, how to move from anger and defensiveness toward forgiveness and why it will set you free!
Click “Read in Browser” to access the video. And for those of you that rather read than watch, enjoy my article on the topic entitled “The Art of Forgiveness” right below the video.
To view on YouTube, go to http://youtu.be/5BqKDzWP2dY
The upside of anger is its ability to mobilize you into action--to change, remove and protect yourself. Your anger may lead you to addressing a problem rather than avoiding it, leaving an abusive relationship, finding a new job, moving from a bad living situation, setting stronger limits with others and taking care of yourself better.
The downside of anger is that it is easy for anger to take over. You can lose control. When anger runs the show it is easy to alienate others and make poor choices. You may say things you regret, act out in malicious ways or seek revenge. If you don't have a handle on your anger, it can destroy relationships, create financial and legal problems, and wreak havoc on your physical, emotional and psychological well-being.
So what are you really angry about? Here's some "real" reasons why you get angry.
- You're scared
- You're hurt
- You feel disrespected
- You feel unappreciated
- You didn't get what you want
- You can't get what you need
- You feel victimized and violated
- Acknowledge your feelings
- Test reality
- Take a look at the situation from all possible perspectives
- Own what is yours
- Confront what is not
- Seek mutual understanding
- Find forgiveness
- Take action that moves you and your life forward in a positive direction.
Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Learning to manage your anger is a lifelong process. We never attain perfection. So give yourself and others a break when anger runs amuck. Clean up the mess and resolve to do better next time.
If you or someone you know is struggling with managing anger, please reach out and contact me. I'm here to help. Sometimes it only takes a session or two for powerful shifts to occur. You and your loved ones deserve it. I work via Skype or telephone for those that are not in the Los Angeles area. Email or call at 310-379-5855310-379-5855 to schedule your session today.
It’s been about a year since this video was featured in my weekly articles. As the topic is so important, I wanted to revisit the topic of forgiveness. We often stop ourselves from forgiving because we think that in doing so we will be condoning the behavior that hurt us. We also think we can somehow hold on to our power and protect ourselves when we hold on to our righteous indignation, anger and hurt.
In truth, the opposite is true. Through our forgiveness we gain back our power, find compassion and connect with love and respect for self and others. It is through our forgiveness, that we win.
So enjoy this encore of Love and Relationship Q&A w' Julie Orlov "Why is it so difficult to forgive?" Today's question deals with how difficult it can be to forgive someone who hurt or disappointed you. Listen as Julie Orlov talks about the power of forgiveness, how to move from defensiveness toward forgiveness and why it will set you free!
You can view this video on YouTube at http://youtu.be/5BqKDzWP2dY or click read in browser to watch it on my website along with many other videos and articles designed to help you create strong and intimate relationships in every area of your life.
You think you know your significant other. You feel secure in this relationship and believe that all is well. That is until one day, you get the rug pulled out from under you. You discover your significant other has a sexually transmitted disease, you discover your spouse is addicted to porn, you discover your partner was really married twice, not once before you met.
You feel like you've been hit in the stomach--not only because of what you've learned but also because your ability to trust has been shattered--not only the ability to trust your loved one, but your ability to trust yourself.
These kinds of upsets happen and they happen when you least expect it. Last week, I described all the reasons why people may not disclose everything about themselves to their partner. One of the reasons is they feel shame around the issue. Another reason is they know the relationship would be at risk. So when their worst fears are met and the secret is revealed, you must deal with the painful truth about who your partner is and what he or she has done.
Dealing with these kinds of surprises is complicated. There are many feelings and issues to address and work through. So while I am giving you an abbreviated version of what those things are, I encourage you to seek support if and when you find yourself on the floor with the rug pulled out.
Here are 5 things to help you get back on your feet.
Think your life is settled and secure? Think your life will never be anything but a struggle? Well, think again. Because the one thing you can count on is the unexpected. One day a loved one will suddenly die. Your spouse may come home and ask for a divorce. Your job that you thought was secure will be lost. Your cat will get hit by a car. You will fall and break your leg.
Hold on. I know. You think I'm quite the cynic. Really, I'm not. I'm just a realist. So before you think I only see the world in terms of impending doom, here are my other thoughts.
One day while meeting a friend for dinner you will meet the love of your life. One day you discover that your spouse has been secretly saving and planning for that dream vacation and surprises you with airline tickets. Your mother sends you a check just when you ran out of money for the month and have no groceries. Your boss tells you that you've been selected for the big promotion. You find out that you are cancer free. Your daughter tells you that you are about to become a grandparent. You hold your grandchild in your arms for the first time. You laugh when your best friend shares their latest dating disaster with a sense of humor and resolve.
That's right. Life as you know it will not be the same in the very near future. The biggest mistake people make is in trying to control that inevitability and resist life's constant movement. The most resilient people understand that they need to flex, adapt and roll with the punches. That just because a new chapter has emerged does not mean it won't be as or more meaningful than the last. The happiest people thrive with change. And the most successful people never expect that life should be anything different than a constant flow of events—some of which will be perceived as good, some of which will be perceived as bad. In reality, they are neither.
Your perception is dependent upon the view from where you stand in any one moment. An event may seem great from a specific moment in time and may seem not so great from another. So don't get attached to any one idea you may have about your life. Why?
Because you never know what's around the corner.
Enjoy the ride!
If you or someone you know wants to create strong and intimate relationships in every area of their life, please don't hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized guidance and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve.
P.S. Don't forget to catch my radio/TV show Pathways to Love w'Julie Orlov LIVE every Sunday 1:30pm PST on LATalkLive!
Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery
Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz
Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com
Wouldn't it be great if we could magically eliminate all those annoying and less than attractive qualities we find in the people we love.? You know what I mean—what they do is not so bad that you would end the relationship but it's bad enough to cause concern and doubt. I'm sure you have glanced over at someone significant in your life and thought "Ugh—I wish he or she was more like this or less like that or did these things more or those things less." Fill in the blank and find what fits for you.
We all judge. We can't help but judge others—it’s in our DNA. Some of us try to pretend we don't judge; others have no problem publicly annihilating others. We judge for several reasons. First, it makes us feel righteous and superior. Find someone who judges others incessantly, you will find someone with many hidden insecurities and self-doubts. Second, others' perceived weaknesses or faults highlight our own unmet needs. And most of us don't like to feel empty and unfulfilled. Third, no one likes disappointment and everyone has expectations. When others show up less than who we want or need them to be, we are left with the job of dealing with our own feelings and issues. And finally, there's nothing more satisfying to the ego than to project our own weaknesses onto others. No one likes to admit their own imperfections and it is much easier to either project them onto someone else or distract yourself from being responsible for your own.
So this week, I want to send a little reminder to everyone, myself included.
Whatever you are judging in someone else, you have your own version within you. To illustrate my point, I'll share an example of my own. (To read my story, click Read in Browser. I know you will be able to relate!