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So far Julie Orlov has created 74 blog entries.

Words of Wisdom from John Mayer

Think what you want about his own love life and crazy dating antics. John Mayer got it right with his song entitled “The Heart of Life.”

The heart is capable of experiencing tremendous pain and profound love. The heart is also the most resilient part of what it means to be human. So the next time your heart hurts, remember healing is right around the corner. Seek out support from your friends, unconditional love from your family, comfort from your pet, and reassurance from me that you will heal and carry on.

Oh yes, and don’t forget to listen as John sings, “The heart of life is good.”

https://youtu.be/3uA_ya8DcLs

I hate to see you cry
Laying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears and listen


Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No, it won't all go the way, it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But then the circle of your friends
Will defend the silver lining

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
Fear is a friend who's misunderstood
But I know the heart of life is good

I know it's good.

--John Mayer


Be well,

Julie

P.S. If you or someone you know is struggling with life’s ups and downs and wants to make a change in their life, please don't hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized guidance and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve. 

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

The Number One Myth My Clients Believe

I have worked with all kinds of clients with all kinds of issues over the years. The number one myth that people believe is that once you have an “ah ha” moment and “let it go” then the issue will be gone forever. Never will you have to feel the pain associated with the past; never will you have those disturbing thoughts that stem from outdated beliefs about what happened and what you made it mean.

Here‘s the truth. You can have an insight; you can understand what makes you tick and why;you can release the feelings and beliefs associated with the past. And, it is quite probable that those automatic reactions, beliefs and feelings will surface once again. You can forgive someone for deeds done and understand that it is quite possible, even probable that you will need to forgive that same person for the same deed again and again.

It takes a long time—some would say a lifetime—to truly let something go. It’s like building a muscle. You need to continually work on developing the skills to recognize when something from the past has been triggered again, engage in a reality check, remind yourself that the old way of reacting no longer serves you and your relationships, and let go, once again.

It is through the practice of letting go that true letting go occurs. A wise person knows that the body and mind have a powerful memory. It takes time and repetition before the body and mind will release their grip on what they thought was so. It takes time and repetition to reassure the body and mind that it is safe to let go and adopt a new way of thinking and being. And, it takes time and repetition to acquire mastery in this process.

So the next time you say, “I thought I was past this already; what is wrong with me?“

Simply respond by saying “Nothing is wrong; I simply need to let go… again.” 

And one day you just might discover that old issue has lost its grip and a new perspective is alive and well.

If you or someone you know is struggling with letting go of old issues, feelings and beliefs, don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today.

Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve. 

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

 

Love and Relationship Q&A w’Julie Orlov “Why is it so difficult to forgive?”

Today's question deals with how difficult it can be to forgive someone who has hurt or disappointed you. This video Q&A talks about the power of forgiveness, how to move from anger and defensiveness toward forgiveness and why it will set you free!

Click “Read in Browser” to access the video. And for those of you that rather read than watch, enjoy my article on the topic entitled “The Art of Forgiveness” right below the video.

To view on YouTube, go to http://youtu.be/5BqKDzWP2dY

Quote for the Week!

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”
― Marilyn Monroe

Look at the person you love, the person in the mirror, the stranger on the subway. Look into their eyes and know that there is light within the shadow and shadows beyond the light. Embracing all of who we are is The Pathway to Love. 

Make this week a journey of self-discovery. Make this week a practice of acceptance. Make this week a commitment to understanding.

Be well,

Julie

P.S. If you would like more information on how to create the relationship you want, visit The Pathway to Love.  If you’d like more information on how to create the life you choose and work with me personally, please contact me directly at julie@julieorlov.com or call 310-379-5855 to schedule a session.

Get the support you deserve. Get the help your relationship wants.

As always, I'm here to support you in creating strong and intimate relationships in every area of your life!

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

What Are You So Angry About?

Anger is both a cause and symptom of trouble. Anger is neither a good or bad feeling. It's simply a feeling. Having said this, anger is a powerful emotion. It has a lot of energy. How you channel this energy is crucial. There is definitely an upside and a downside to anger.

 

The upside of anger is its ability to mobilize you into action--to change, remove and protect yourself. Your anger may lead you to addressing a problem rather than avoiding it, leaving an abusive relationship, finding a new job, moving from a bad living situation, setting stronger limits with others and taking care of yourself better. 

The downside of anger is that it is easy for anger to take over. You can lose control. When anger runs the show it is easy to alienate others and make poor choices. You may say things you regret, act out in malicious ways or seek revenge. If you don't have a handle on your anger, it can destroy relationships, create financial and legal problems, and wreak havoc on your physical, emotional and psychological well-being.

 

The opposite is just a true. Understanding and managing your anger well can lead to restoring your personal power and integrity, setting appropriate limits with others, making positive changes in your life, and clearing up any misunderstandings with others. In the end, you have the possibility to strengthen your relationships and your overall well-being.

 

So what are you really angry about? Here's some "real" reasons why you get angry.

  • You're scared
  • You're hurt
  • You feel disrespected 
  • You feel unappreciated
  • You didn't get what you want
  • You can't get what you need
  • You feel victimized and violated
 What to do?

 

  • Acknowledge your feelings
  • Test reality 
  • Take a look at the situation from all possible perspectives
  • Own what is yours
  • Confront what is not
  • Seek mutual understanding
  • Find forgiveness
  • Take action that moves you and your life forward in a positive direction.

 

Simple enough?

 

Sometimes yes and sometimes no. Learning to manage your anger is a lifelong process. We never attain perfection. So give yourself and others a break when anger runs amuck. Clean up the mess and resolve to do better next time.

If you or someone you know is struggling with managing anger, please reach out and contact me. I'm here to help. Sometimes it only takes a session or two for powerful shifts to occur. You and your loved ones deserve it. I work via Skype or telephone for those that are not in the Los Angeles area. Email or call at 310-379-5855310-379-5855  to schedule your session today.

Be well,

Julie

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

5 Predictors of Divorce (and what you can do about it)

I have worked with thousands of couples throughout the years. I have seen and heard it all. But when it comes down to relationships and marriages ending, there are really 5 basic reasons that exist. And while some marriages are better off coming to a close, most marriages could have been saved if the couple had only been able to shift these 5 things. Please share this information with others. It just might save their marriage.

  1. You and/or your spouse need to win or be right. I can’t tell you how destructive this is to a marriage. It is far better to seek understanding rather than focusing all your energy on being right. We’ve all heard “It is better to be happy than to be right.” But most couples continue to dig deeper holes during arguments. Learn how to approach conflict differently. Once you learn how to deal with conflict effectively, you will find yourself feeling satisfied and connected, not frustrated and angry.
  2. You and/or your spouse spend significant time soliciting agreement from friends and family on making the other spouse “the bad guy.” Friends and family will typically support you and your take on how things went down. The more you get agreement from others, the less likely you are to look at things from another perspective and take responsibility for your own actions and feelings. You are destined to become the victim; and unfortunately, this may also mean a victim of divorce.
  3. You and/or your spouse are committed to finding evidence that the other is and will continue to hurt, betray, disappoint, and abandon you. When you have decided that your spouse is ____________ (fill in the blank), you may become too attached to making this true. When this happens, you will look to the past, present, and future and will inevitable find evidence for why this is so. You will skew history, distort the present, and see only what you want to see. In these cases, you truly are committed to a failed marriage.
  4. You and/or your spouse express contempt. This can take many forms. It can be an overtly nasty comment, a lack of responsiveness altogether, or a passive-aggressive behavior such as neglecting responsibilities. When you begin to deal with marital problems in this way, you immediately give the message that the marriage and your spouse hold little regard. This quickly causes irreparable damage. Too much contempt over a long period of time may be cause for divorce. Staying in a contemptuous marriage too long eats away at the soul of everyone involved. Change the behaviors or get out.
  5. You and/or your spouse engage in outside activities that destroy trust and workability. These activities include extra-marital affairs, addictions, and keeping other serious secrets. A healthy marriage is all about openness, honesty, and trust. When this is broken in a significant way, it takes a long time with consistent sustained effort to rebuild that trust. Yes, it can be done. However, if these activities continue to show up time and time again, the marriage will always be broken and empty, even if you decide to stay together. Furthermore, you can count on a lot of pain to carry you through the years.


If you recognize any of these behaviors in your marriage, get help now. The earlier you set out to do things differently, the better your chances for turning things around. Early intervention is the key. If you feel like you’re on the brink of divorce, there may still be a chance your marriage can be saved. While changing the dynamics of a marriage is never easy, it can be done. I can help you make a paradigm shift in how you relate to yourself and your spouse. Once you get the process down, you just might find yourself in a whole new relationship with the person you fell in love with and decided to marry. One phone call may just change your life. Don’t wait. Do it now! I can be reached at 888-99PATHS FREE or julie@julieorlov.com

As always, I’m here to support you in creating strong and powerful relationships.

 

Be well,
Julie


Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com


Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

5 Ways to Get Your Power Back and End Emotional Abuse

If you've ever been in a controlling relationship, you know how easy it is to get caught in its web.

It usually starts out with a simple suggestion like, "Do you think that outfit is the best you can do for the banquet tonight?" or "I think you're better off ordering the salad," or "You should get a real job and stop all that nonsense about making it as an artist."

At first, you take the suggestions as a reflection of love and concern. After all, the comments are not that far off base, and you certainly don't want to appear unappreciative or defensive.

At this stage of the relationship, you want to please your mate, not alienate him or her. It's more important to appear receptive and understanding of your partner's opinions than to challenge them. You don't consider what he's doing emotional abuse.

Some time goes by. You now notice that your significant other's opinions of you continue to be critical. Only now, there is an emotional undertone that suggests if you don't abide by his opinion, he will be angry, punitive and emotionally manipulative. The scariest times come when you believe the threats of rejection and abandonment.

The cycle has repeated itself in such a way that somehow, you've become sucked in and are believing the rhetoric. Or, at the very least, you've been trying to manage the critical outbursts.

You're now so consumed with keeping your partner's emotional judgments at bay that you have trouble considering if the demands have crossed over into an abusive and inappropriate arena. Your judgment is clouded.

You continue to ask yourself, Is it me or him? You feel anxious around him, believing that somehow you can make things right again; you want to feel the love you did when the two of you first got together.

Deep down, your biggest fear is that his opinions of you are right ... that there really is something wrong with you, and you just may not be lovable the way you are.

The bad news? You are now caught in the web. The good news? There is a way out. It is so important to understand what control is really all about. Let me show you the way.

Here's what controlling behaviors are really all about:

  • His own sense of helplessness and powerlessness.
  • Getting someone else (like you) to make him feel OK.
  • Wanting to hand-off his own anxieties so he doesn't have to deal with them himself.
  • Ensuring that you will never abandon or reject him/
  • Projecting his deepest fears of being inadequate and unlovable.

Note: His controlling behaviors are never about you.

Here are five steps to getting out from under his control:

1. Get your power back.
The quickest way to do this is to be willing to walk away from the relationship if need be. This enables you to move forward with the next steps from a place of power, not a place of fear.

2. Set limits on his criticism and emotional outbursts. 
Let your partner know that you are open to hearing his concerns about your actions and how they affect him, but will no longer engage in conversations that attack who you are as a person.

3. Consider your partner's concerns.
What are you willing to do for him? What is completely off the table? Make sure you align these requests with your personal well-being and integrity. Don't agree to do things simply in order to keep the peace or save the relationship, especially if deep down you know it isn't right for you.

4. Be clear and honest with yourself first, then your partner.
Consider your values, goals and needs. Make sure your decisions are in alignment with your highest self, needs and all. Let him know what you can and can't do for him. Whatever you do, do not be intimidated. Have a powerful "no" and make it clear that he will need to accept the "no." If he can't, then it may be best for the two of you to part ways.

5. Find people and experiences that celebrate who you are.
Find ways to reconnect with the powerful person you truly are, i.e. someone that would never tolerate being treated in such a manner. Engage and connect with other people that support and love you for exactly who you are.

At the end of the day, only you can decide if his controlling behavior is something you are willing to live with or not. Relationships should be something that supports your growth, not something that diminishes it.

Love celebrates who you are; it does not put you down. You deserve to have a powerful and loving relationship. So start with yourself. Love yourself enough to take the first step in reclaiming you.

If you or someone you know struggles with emotional abuse in their relationships, please don't hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve. 

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Are You Really In a Crisis?

People in relationships panic easily. The thought of losing your significant other can send you spiraling down an abyss of anxiety. No one likes the idea of loss. It triggers all our abandonment issues, fears and insecurities. So when you hit an obstacle in the road it can feel like a wall. But is it?

You may be panicking for no good reason. Your relationship may not be in a crisis after all. Instead, you may simply be experiencing the effects of phase two in your developing relationship.

Phase two is full of conflict, disappointment, anxiety and heightened reactivity. This is because you're working through the realization of who your significant other really is and experiencing a slew of disappointments. You're confronted with your own issues and past wounds. You're confronted with your partner's issues and past wounds. Your commitment to protecting yourself from another hurt or betrayal causes you to be hyper-vigilant and react in ways that ensure your safety and survival. Most of the time our reaction is over the top and a bit irrational. Other times we are right on target. Sometimes we can make the distinction and other times, not.

So what is there to learn and do during this challenging time in your relationship? Here's a simple formula for you to follow. Do the work and you will discover there is so much more to learn about yourself and your significant other. Commit to the process and you will find deep love and intimacy on the other end.

  1. When you have a reaction to something your significant other did or said, stop and take a few deep breaths.
  2. Take the time to calm down and think about what it is that you are so upset about. Is the behavior familiar? Does it make you feel disrespected, scared, and unimportant? How much is your reaction based on this specific situation versus other situations that have happened in the past.
  3. Let your significant other know what it was that she did that created your reaction. Help your significant other understand why this situation affects you so deeply. Explain your beliefs, values, past, and expectations.
  4. Ask your significant other to clarify his intentions. Do some investigative work. Maybe your significant other really meant to hurt you, maybe not. Maybe your assumptions are correct, maybe not. Check things out.
  5. Lastly, make a request if necessary. For example, maybe you need to let your significant other know you don't like to be teased about your crooked teeth; maybe you need to request that your significant other refrain from looking at other women while you're out together; maybe you need to request that your significant other listen rather than defend when you express a concern and feeling. And so on and so on.

Let it go and give it some time. See if your request is honored. It may not be honored a hundred percent of the time, but if your partner is trying, then you're on the right track. Don't be surprised if this process needs to be repeated several times in regards to the same issue. Rarely do people change their natural style and habits overnight.

Remember, experiencing conflicts from time to time is normal. Hitting bumps in the road is inevitable. And while it may feel like a crisis, it usually isn't. It really is just another day in the life of relationships. Another misunderstanding that needs attention. One more opportunity to learn and grow together. Isn't that what it's all about?

If you'd like more information on understanding what it takes to navigate through the four phases of a developing relationship, visit www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love .  If you'd like more information on how to work with me personally, please contact me directly at julie@julieorlov.com or call 310-379-5855310-379-5855.

Get the support you deserve. Get the help your relationship wants.

As always, I'm here to support you in creating strong and intimate relationships in every area of your life!

Be well,

Julie

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love 

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz,

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