The Power in Speaking from The “I”

Communication is the lifeline for relationships. It is the way we understand one another, ask for what we need and want, and express how we feel. We resolve issues, generate understanding and create intimacy through our words. And yes, our words matter. How we communicate can make the difference between a conversation resulting in connection or conflict.

Here is one communication strategy that will help you diffuse defensiveness and move the conversation toward resolution and intimacy.

When you find yourself disappointed or judging your partners’ actions (or inactions), talk about you instead of focusing on your partner and what they did or didn’t do. Speak from the “I”. 

For example, instead of saying,

“Why would you park in an isolated parking structure rather than on the street where there are restaurants and people around? This is just stupid!”

Say,

“I worry about your safety and feel anxious when you park in places that I believe are unsafe. And when I’m not with you, I feel frustrated that I’m not able to ensure your safety.”

Feel the difference? When you speak from the “I”, you let your partner know more about who you are, how you feel and what’s important to you. It is less about judging or shaming the other person. In doing so, your partner will feel less defensive and more empathic toward you. Generous listening is easier. Responding with understanding and compassion increases. The ability and desire to find a solution that makes both parties comfortable increases. You set the stage for a win-win.

Let me give you another example.

Instead of saying,

“That idea is just crazy. You will never be able to get all that done and still be on time for my family get together.”

Say,

“I’m worried that you will not be able to get to my family’s celebration on time. It is a big deal to be on time in my family and when I am unable to control this or feel like you may make us late, I get very anxious.”

Picture yourself on the receiving end of both examples and see which one you would rather hear. How differently do you react based on hearing the different versions? When we speak from the “I” we communicate something about ourselves. We don’t assume or judge another. We create the space to receive support and understanding. We communicate in a way that leads to cooperation and problem-solving as opposed to power struggles and defensiveness.

Take some time this week to practice speaking from the “I” and let me know how it goes.

Be well,

Julie

P.S. If you or someone you know is struggling with communication within their relationships, don’t hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized counseling and coaching. Take advantage of the opportunity to receive the support and guidance you deserve. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today.

About me: www.julieorlov.com/about

About The Pathway to Love at-home program: www.julieorlov.com/pathway-to-love

About your relationship: Get your Free Relationship Assessment Quiz at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Relationship Help! My Wife is Always Angry with Me!

Watch as Julie Orlov explains what is happening in your marriage when a spouse is always angry and you feel like you can never do anything right. Learn what to do to save your marriage and create a more healthy and loving way of dealing with marital and relationship issues.

Everyone knows what it’s like to be in a no-win situation. You feel like whatever you do it will never be enough to please the person you love (or anyone for that matter). You feel like you live in the “dog house” and don’t know why. You only know that it’s getting cold and lonely out there and you’d like to come back in.

All kidding aside, feeling like you are constantly on the receiving end of someone’s wrath gets old. It starts to wear down the trust and love within a relationship. On the other hand, if you or your significant other are experiencing constant frustration, then there is something to look at and understand. People can be angry and frustrated over a long period of time for a variety of reasons.

Click here to view my Q&A video that addresses the reasons why this dynamic occurs in relationships and what to do about it.

For those of you that prefer to read, click "Read in Browser" to read the full article.

What to do When You Hurt the One You Love

You know you f#@%ed up. You said something horrible to your mate or betrayed your mate in some way. You get it. You have acknowledged your wrongdoing and have apologized. You believe forgiveness is warranted and are ready to move on.

Your mate, however, is not ready to move on. She is still angry, hurt, and wounded. Trust has been broken and she is not ready to forgive. She is still hurting and still needs to make you understand just how hurtful your actions were. She’s still trying to understand why you would say or do what you did. She is still bleeding, emotionally that is…

You feel you’ve been punished enough. You don’t want this mistake to haunt you for the next two months or years for that matter. You’ve had enough and are ready to move on. You resent this continuous admonishment and want her to stop. You shut her down, saying “no more—I’ve apologized and that’s all I can do.”  Or is it?

Every couple will experience a situation like this from time to time. So what lessons can we learn from the scenario above. How can you move through a crisis in a way that promotes healing? How can you move through your crisis without causing more upset and delaying the healing process?

Here are 8 things you can do to to help you and your partner move past crisis toward healing and intimacy.

Click read in browser to access full article

Get Your Ego Out of the Way and Win

Our egos are very stubborn and they like to win. The ego wants to be right, wants to be special; the ego wants things the easy way, its way, or to finally find thee way. And while it is necessary to develop a strong ego in the first half of life, it is just as important to give up the ego in the second. Nature certainly has a sense of humor. It demands we get it, only to demand we lose it. So what does it mean to give up your ego? Does this mean that you no longer fight for what you think is right? Does it mean you no longer speak up and fight to get your needs met? Does it mean you have to give up and settle? No, but here is what you need to know about your ego.