Why Those Same Old Issues Never Seem to Go Away

Every couple has their core issues. Some are relatively minor, some are quite serious. Some issues can be handled easily and resolved quickly. For example, a couple may have different needs when it comes to spending time together. One person may require a lot of time on their own, while their partner needs more together time. In this case, couples may find a middle ground that works for both of them. With love and understanding, this couple can find the compromise that works. They may need to tweak their agreement from time to time, but overall, this issues does not wreak a lot of havoc—they understand and handle the differences without taking it personally.

Other issues are more complicated. There are deeper wounds attached and behavioral change is not so simple. These issues create a domino effect as one partner's behavior creates a reaction in the other that triggers more acting out in one’s partner that then creates even more distress for the other and so on and so on. I'm sure you can relate to having this kind of issue in your current or past relationship. It may involve an addiction, a destructive way of handling feelings, or other preferences and coping skills that cause negative consequences for the relationship.

We all have developed coping skills. Some work well for us but not for others. Some are overall healthier than others. Regardless, deeply ingrained coping strategies are hard to change. Thus, these issues tend to come up again and again in relationships. They have to. It takes time and repetition for someone to release a maladaptive way of coping and create a replacement strategy. This involves a lot of self-awareness, commitment and discipline in making a change. In all honesty, some people can do this and some cannot. Even with the best of intentions, the results aren't guaranteed.

So if you are experiencing an issue in your relationship that continues to come up again and again, understand that this is normal. Both you and your partner need to know that change occurs slowly over time and a commitment to see this through is required from both of you. Even under the best of circumstances, breakdowns will occur.

For example, let's say your husband (or wife) has a temper. He deals with his frustration and anger in ways that you find hurtful and unacceptable. He yells and demonstrates contempt for you when he's angry. He personally attacks you and finds ways to make sure you know that you are the problem, not him. This causes you to feel utterly belittled, hopeless and resigned. Eventually things calm down, you do what it takes to reassure your husband, point out what doesn't work for you, work towards normalizing the relationship again. Sometimes he will apologize and sometimes not. He understands he has a temper but has difficulty controlling it and reining it in once he's "lost it."  You have gone to counseling for this and continue to work on the issue as a couple. Progress has been made. Your husband understands why he gets angry and is working on calming down before saying anything. However, he still loses his temper every now and then in ways you find hurtful and damaging.

You wonder if your husband will ever change. You wonder if you can live with this for the rest of your life. Every time he slips you forget all the times he has been successful in managing his anger in more constructive ways. You feel hopeless instead of remembering that both you and he committed to dealing with this issue, understanding it will take a long time for him to truly integrate a new way of being. You forget that even under the best of circumstances, people are human and under stress, primitive ways of coping can take over.

So what can you do to deal with the same issue that still haunts the relationship? Here are things to remember when those same old issues come up again.

  • Remember, as long as you are both committed to making things better and take action to do so, progress is being made.
  • Expect breakdowns. They are a part of life and no one is perfect. As long as they are occurring less and less, you can relax and know things are moving in the right direction.
  • Always make sure that you are attending your end of things. Even if your partner's issues have nothing to do with you, you are responsible for how you deal with them. Make sure you work on you.
  • Focus on what your partner does right and how he pleases you. Give your partner credit for his intentions, efforts and progress made. It's the best reinforcement for continued change.
  • Lastly, know that dealing with each other's imperfections and woundedness is part of the deal. Relationships provide fertile ground for healing. In doing so, this requires ongoing patience, forgiveness and love. It also takes a willingness to take responsibility at all times for one's actions and continuous recommitment to do better next time.

So you decide if there are reasons enough to hang in there for the entire ride. Know there will be up hill climbs, steep vertical falls and lots of thrilling curves along the way. Buckle up. No one said relationships were straight and level roads--but that's the very thing that makes them so worthwhile.

If you or someone you know needs help in dealing with your relationship challenges, don't hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized guidance and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve. 

As always, I’m here to support you in creating strong and intimate relationships. 

Be well,

Julie

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

What You Need to Know About Acceptance

I wrote an article about acceptance some years back but thought the topic is so important that I'd write an updated version of the same. A lot of people are now talking about "unconditional love" and the act of acceptance. I've been writing about this for years. And yes, part of the process of creating transformational relationships is to come to a place of acceptance--acceptance of both yourself and your mate. It is part of phase three in The Pathway to Love and is the gateway towards an incredibly intimate, passionate, and fulfilling relationship.
 
However, there are important things to know about what acceptance truly means and what it does not. There are other things to know about how one goes about getting there. So in the interest of setting things straight, here's what you need to know.

I highly suggest you click Read in Browser to access the full article. This information is too important to miss!

You Never Know What’s Around the Corner

Think your life is settled and secure? Think your life will never be anything but a struggle? Well, think again. Because the one thing you can count on is the unexpected. One day a loved one will suddenly die. Your spouse may come home and ask for a divorce. Your job that you thought was secure will be lost. Your cat will get hit by a car. You will fall and break your leg. 

Hold on. I know. You think I'm quite the cynic. Really, I'm not. I'm just a realist. So before you think I only see the world in terms of impending doom, here are my other thoughts.

One day while meeting a friend for dinner you will meet the love of your life. One day you discover that your spouse has been secretly saving and planning for that dream vacation and surprises you with airline tickets. Your mother sends you a check just when you ran out of money for the month and have no groceries. Your boss tells you that you've been selected for the big promotion. You find out that you are cancer free.  Your daughter tells you that you are about to become a grandparent. You hold your grandchild in your arms for the first time. You laugh when your best friend shares their latest dating disaster with a sense of humor and resolve.

That's right. Life as you know it will not be the same in the very near future. The biggest mistake people make is in trying to control that inevitability and resist life's constant movement. The most resilient people understand that they need to flex, adapt and roll with the punches. That just because a new chapter has emerged does not mean it won't be as or more meaningful than the last. The happiest people thrive with change. And the most successful people never expect that life should be anything different than a constant flow of events—some of which will be perceived as good, some of which will be perceived as bad. In reality, they are neither.

Your perception is dependent upon the view from where you stand in any one moment. An event may seem great from a specific moment in time and may seem not so great from another. So don't get attached to any one idea you may have about your life. Why?

Because you never know what's around the corner.

Enjoy the ride!

If you or someone you know wants to create strong and intimate relationships in every area of their life, please don't hesitate to contact me. I'm here to help. I provide personalized guidance and coaching. And if you want to start right now, go and purchase The Pathway to Love at-home program. You don’t need to wait. You can begin the process today. Take advantage of the opportunity receive the support and guidance you deserve. 

Be well,

Julie

P.S. Don't forget to catch my radio/TV show Pathways to Love w'Julie Orlov LIVE every Sunday 1:30pm PST on LATalkLive!

Julie Orlov, psychotherapist, speaker, and author of The Pathway to Love: Create Intimacy and Transform Your Relationships through Self-Discovery

Retrieve Your FREE Relationship Assessment Quiz and see if YOUR Relationship is on track at www.julieorlov.com/quiz

Create Relationships in Your Life That Work — learn more at www.julieorlov.com

Those who live in glass houses….

Wouldn't it be great if we could magically eliminate all those annoying and less than attractive qualities we find in the people we love.? You know what I mean—what they do is not so bad that you would end the relationship but it's bad enough to cause concern and doubt.  I'm sure you have glanced over at someone significant in your life and thought "Ugh—I wish he or she was more like this or less like that or did these things more or those things less." Fill in the blank and find what fits for you.

We all judge. We can't help but judge others—it’s in our DNA. Some of us try to pretend we don't judge; others have no problem publicly annihilating others. We judge for several reasons. First, it makes us feel righteous and superior. Find someone who judges others incessantly, you will find someone with many hidden insecurities and self-doubts. Second, others' perceived weaknesses or faults highlight our own unmet needs. And most of us don't like to feel empty and unfulfilled. Third, no one likes disappointment and everyone has expectations. When others show up less than who we want or need them to be, we are left with the job of dealing with our own feelings and issues. And finally, there's nothing more satisfying to the ego than to project our own weaknesses onto others. No one likes to admit their own imperfections and it is much easier to either project them onto someone else or distract yourself from being responsible for your own.

So this week, I want to send a little reminder to everyone, myself included.

Whatever you are judging in someone else, you have your own version within you. To illustrate my point, I'll share an example of my own. (To read my story, click Read in Browser. I know you will be able to relate!

Keep the Stuffing in the Turkey and Out of Your Family Gathering

It’s that time again—the beginning of the holiday season. I actually had another topic I was going to address this week in my blog but I succumbed to the pressure I felt (from whom or what, I’m not sure) to write about Thanksgiving. I guess it makes sense to do so as family gatherings provoke a lot of things for many people. For some, the annual get-togethers are something to look forward to—a means to connect and spend time with family. But for many, Thanksgiving marks the beginning of a holiday season riddled with anxiety, trepidation, obligation, and conflict. So for those of you who look forward to breaking bread or a solid turkey drumstick, this article may not resonate. But for those that have any anticipatory anxiety about this coming Thursday or know someone who doesn’t jump for joy with the prospect of another family holiday gathering or lack thereof, please read on.

The Trap of Expectations

It’s hard not to have any expectations. We were raised on expectations—what others expected of us and what we expect of others. Honestly, I don’t think our brains will ever evolve to the point where we can live expectation-free. We can however, monitor and manage them. Here’s how expectations impact our relationships. We expect…