Couples

Feeling Out of Control?

2013-05-05T22:29:17Z

As you continue to deepen your relationship and take risks, you will have moments when “things” feel out of control. As you experience changes in your life, such as moving in with your significant other, getting engaged, getting married, ending or starting a new job or business, having children, becoming ill, etc. you will find yourself coping with these changes in varied ways. Your personal coping mechanisms have been developing for many years and are activated the moment change occurs and as a result, you feel out of control. Feeling out of control when change is upon you is quite normal. Reacting to feeling out of control is also normal.

What’s surprising is that your coping mechanisms for dealing with change can deceive you. You may believe you are reacting to something else when in truth you are simply struggling with change. It is important to understand this dynamic because what you don’t know may hurt you.

Let me give you some examples. The “something else” can look like

Your partner is not paying enough attention to you
Your partner can’t seem to do or say anything right
You feel unappreciated and unsupported
You feel insatiable, like your needs and wants are a bottomless pit
You are easily irritated and annoyed
You are eating, smoking, drinking, and sleeping— too much or too little
You feel overwhelmed, like there is not enough of you to go around
You feel like something is wrong with you but can’t put your finger on it

If you relate to any of these and have recently experienced any kind of change in your life, you are suffering from what I call – Control Mania. This entails trying to find something or someway to feel back in control—of yourself, your life, and your relationships.

To read full article click Read in Browser

Do You Create Security or Doubt in Your Significant Relationship?

2013-04-07T20:19:07Z

When you are moving from a dating relationship to a committed monogamous relationship, you become more vulnerable. There is now more at stake. Your investment in the relationship has risen and your attachment to your significant other has solidified. This is all good. How you handle this transition can make a difference in how solid or shaky the next stage of your relationship feels. And remember, even if you’ve been with someone for a very long time, this information still applies to you. People tend to deal with vulnerability in one of two ways. The first is finding ways to feel less vulnerable—to transfer the risk of loss and sense of powerlessness to your significant other while creating an illusion of having power and control over the relationship. Some examples of this may be... (Click Read in Browser to read full article)

BIG NEWS! My radio/internet TV show “Pathways to Love” on LATalkLive will be moving to a new day and time. Starting April 14^th you can catch us LIVE every Sunday at 1:30pm PST at www.latalklive.com/new/pathways-to-love. As always, call in with your questions and comments at 323-247-7443! (Until then, you can still watch us live on Fridays, 2:30pm PST and always catch the archived recorded shows at www.latalklive.com/new/pathways-to-love)

The Number 1 Thing that will get you through the Bumps in the Road

2013-03-11T01:15:59Z

As you settle into a long-term relationship, you settle into its particular rhythm. Every relationship has one and every rhythm is unique to that relationship. Sometimes you will affect your relationship; sometimes life will impact its ebb and flow. Either way, you can be sure that your path will not be a smooth ride without any bumps or detours. Yours may look something like this— Everything has been going just fine for some time until one day you discover that your significant other has kept something from you...

5 Reasons to Celebrate Valentine’s Day with Heart!

2013-02-11T03:34:01Z

I received an email the other day from a woman who read my article “7 Reasons to Acknowledge Anniversaries”—she requested an article in kind about Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day presents us with a double bind. On the one hand, we are bombarded with advertisements, talk show segments, and subtle (or not so subtle) messages on how important it is to do the right thing by your sweetheart. On the other hand, people push back on the commercial hype and pressure, holding Valentine’s Day responsible for the inevitable disappointment that ensues, claiming it is a “contrived Hallmark” holiday designed to put unrealistic expectations on love and relationships. These individuals tend to rebel, choosing to ignore the holiday all together or do the bare minimum of bringing home some flowers and calling it a day. And then of course, there are those out there who do not currently have a sweetheart, many of which hide out for the 24 hours until all the focus on lovers fades so that they can once again, feel good about being single. So how do we reconcile all these conflicting feelings about Valentine’s Day? After all, it is supposed to be the holiday of love, not dread. So in honor of those of you that still believe in a day that celebrates love, I’m offering 5 reasons to celebrate Valentine’s Day with. And for those of you that wish this holiday would simply go away and stay away, read on—you just might find a good reason to celebrate come February 14th! Don’t forget to join me for my LIVE Create Your Pathway to Love Workshop on February 23, 9am-1pm in Hermosa Beach, California. For more information and to register, go to www.yourpathwaytolove.eventbrite.com.

Are you an “I” or a “We?”

2013-01-14T01:30:22Z

One of the tasks couples face as they build their relationship is moving their identity from an “I” to a “We.” Sounds simple enough. You start referring to “our vacation” as opposed to “my vacation.” Or you begin to talk about the future in terms of what “our” future will be. Simply changing the pronoun sounds easy enough but in reality, the pronoun use means so much more than a simple sentence structure would imply. There are certain things that come with the word We—it implies a certain level of commitment and with each level of commitment comes certain responsibilities—this may be the very reason some people pause when consciously or unconsciously selecting a pronoun use. So if you find yourself stuttering when choosing to use I or We, here are some of the reasons why you may be grappling.

What Are Your Deal Breakers?

2012-12-09T22:09:50Z

I have worked with thousands of people over the years. And I have seen countless numbers of people tolerate issues within their relationship that they never thought they would beforehand. One of the exercises in The Pathway to Love Workbook and Guide is to identify your “deal breakers.” This is an easy task for most people. You may believe you know what you can and cannot live with and write these things down with ease. In real life, however, it can be incredibly difficult to follow-through on deal breakers. Knowing is not always doing. Instead, you may find yourself settling and living with issues and people that simply don’t work for you. You may find yourself denying, rationalizing, and pacifying the realities. People do it all the time. And this is why. Once you’ve declared a behavior or trait a deal breaker, your well-being, power, and integrity are at stake. So is your relationship. This is the pull and pressure one has to contend with once you’ve identified a deal breaker. No one likes to face the real possibility that loss is imminent. No one wants to have a broken heart. But in the end, your personal power and well-being are what counts. Ignoring deal breakers will only cause ongoing heartache and pain. So here are my suggestions on how to navigate this delicate issue as your relationship develops and becomes more real.

Settling In and Peeling Away at the Onion

2012-11-11T21:12:34Z

As you settle into couplehood, a dynamic begins to occur as you define who you are as a couple and get to know who you are as individuals. The need for space and autonomy set in—you want to re-establish your individuality and power that was temporarily lost in the excitement of phase one. On the other hand, the need for security and trust increases as you become aware of your deep attachment to your significant other. A dance begins that vacillates between seeking each other and seeking yourself—holding on your connection with each other while maintaining a sense of power and control. How this dance occurs depends on the two individuals involved. So what does an onion have to do with this? As you begin to experience each other in more intimate and revealing ways, you begin to peel away at the layers—you reveal your respective deepest wounds and insecurities, you feel the impact of each other’s defense mechanisms, and you see each other’s true character in motion. This is the core of phase two. This is where the real work begins. This is when you make choices that will determine the outcome of the relationship, or at the very least, its trajectory. Let me share an example.

A Dog’s Lessons on Relationships

2012-09-29T21:18:52Z

There’s a lot we can learn from a dog. And if you are a dog lover or have a dog, then you know exactly what I mean. One of the best teachers I’ve had in the area of love is my dog Shlomo. I know, funny name, long story. Shlomo has taught me many things just as I suspect your dog has taught you. So today I thought I’d let Shlomo do the sharing. This is what he has to say on the subject of love and relationships or better yet, this is what I’ve learned from him.

Listen to Julie On-the-Air with Dresser After Dark

2012-09-24T23:53:44Z

If you missed the live broadcast of my interview on love and relationships with Michael Ray Dresser last week, you catch it here--just click on the post and find the link. Enjoy!

Ten Commandments on Relationships

2012-09-02T23:12:56Z

I believe we’ve lost touch on the value of our relationships. People seem to spend more time and money on their hair, toys, and possessions than they do on their relationships. I’m not sure when we crossed over into the land of disconnect but it saddens me that we’ve become a society obsessed with instant gratification, magical solutions, constant stimulation, ten second attention spans, and never ending to-do lists. Our need to get more, do more, and have more, has outweighed our basic human need for connection, centeredness, and cooperation. We have lost touch with the value of connection and the art of relationship building and the time has come to wake up and get our lives back in balance. My work has been dedicated to helping others learn how to create authentic and intimate relationships. It is through our relationships that we heal, transform, and thrive. In fact, it is only within the context of our relationships that we are able to exist. My request is that you take the time to examine your relationships this week. Put time and energy toward the people you relate to on a daily or weekly basis. Be willing to invest yourself and your resources into nurturing your relationships. To assist you with this quest, I have put together Ten Commandments on Relationships. No, I didn’t get them from atop a mountain or from a burning bush. They are part of The Pathway to Love Model and they provide a context from which to begin a paradigm shift. It’s my attempt to swing the pendulum back to a position where we can heal as a community. So here it goes…