Is the Grass Always Greener on the Other Side?

“The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” – Sound familiar? It should. This well-known phrase captures what every person in or out of a relationship thinks from time to time. If you’re currently single, you may be thinking about how much you miss having a partner—someone with whom you can share love, laughter, and life experiences. You long for someone to hold and be with—a relationship that fills those basic human needs and alleviates your moments of loneliness and emptiness.

If you’re in a committed relationship, you just may be thinking about days gone by when you did not have to answer to anyone—when you could sleep, eat, play and shop—when, where and how you pleased. You long for some alone time and the feeling of independence. You miss your freedom.

I want you to know that “missing” the other side is not only normal, but expected. There are benefits and costs to being single and coupled. There will always be a longing, an appreciation and a loss, regardless of your relationship status. It is not a matter of if you feel these things, it is how you move through these times of discontent. No one package is perfect. So here are some realties and coping strategies to help you deal with your moments of doubt. 

If you are transitioning from singlehood to couplehood, or couplehood to singlehood, here is what you have in store and how you can cope. Be prepared to deal with the following:

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Feeling Out of Control?

As you continue to deepen your relationship and take risks, you will have moments when “things” feel out of control. As you experience changes in your life, such as moving in with your significant other, getting engaged, getting married, ending or starting a new job or business, having children, becoming ill, etc. you will find yourself coping with these changes in varied ways. Your personal coping mechanisms have been developing for many years and are activated the moment change occurs and as a result, you feel out of control. Feeling out of control when change is upon you is quite normal. Reacting to feeling out of control is also normal.

What’s surprising is that your coping mechanisms for dealing with change can deceive you. You may believe you are reacting to something else when in truth you are simply struggling with change. It is important to understand this dynamic because what you don’t know may hurt you.

Let me give you some examples. The “something else” can look like

• Your partner is not paying enough attention to you
• Your partner can’t seem to do or say anything right
• You feel unappreciated and unsupported
• You feel insatiable, like your needs and wants are a bottomless pit
• You are easily irritated and annoyed
• You are eating, smoking, drinking, and sleeping— too much or too little
• You feel overwhelmed, like there is not enough of you to go around
• You feel like something is wrong with you but can’t put your finger on it

If you relate to any of these and have recently experienced any kind of change in your life, you are suffering from what I call – Control Mania. This entails trying to find something or someway to feel back in control—of yourself, your life, and your relationships.

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Do You Create Security or Doubt in Your Significant Relationship?

When you are moving from a dating relationship to a committed monogamous relationship, you become more vulnerable. There is now more at stake. Your investment in the relationship has risen and your attachment to your significant other has solidified. This is all good. How you handle this transition can make a difference in how solid or shaky the next stage of your relationship feels. And remember, even if you’ve been with someone for a very long time, this information still applies to you. People tend to deal with vulnerability in one of two ways. The first is finding ways to feel less vulnerable—to transfer the risk of loss and sense of powerlessness to your significant other while creating an illusion of having power and control over the relationship. Some examples of this may be... (Click Read in Browser to read full article)

BIG NEWS! My radio/internet TV show “Pathways to Love” on LATalkLive will be moving to a new day and time. Starting April 14^th you can catch us LIVE every Sunday at 1:30pm PST at www.latalklive.com/new/pathways-to-love. As always, call in with your questions and comments at 323-247-7443! (Until then, you can still watch us live on Fridays, 2:30pm PST and always catch the archived recorded shows at www.latalklive.com/new/pathways-to-love)

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The Number 1 Thing that will get you through the Bumps in the Road

As you settle into a long-term relationship, you settle into its particular rhythm. Every relationship has one and every rhythm is unique to that relationship. Sometimes you will affect your relationship; sometimes life will impact its ebb and flow. Either way, you can be sure that your path will not be a smooth ride without any bumps or detours. Yours may look something like this— Everything has been going just fine for some time until one day you discover that your significant other has kept something from you...

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5 Reasons to Celebrate Valentine’s Day with Heart!

I received an email the other day from a woman who read my article “7 Reasons to Acknowledge Anniversaries”—she requested an article in kind about Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day presents us with a double bind. On the one hand, we are bombarded with advertisements, talk show segments, and subtle (or not so subtle) messages on how important it is to do the right thing by your sweetheart. On the other hand, people push back on the commercial hype and pressure, holding Valentine’s Day responsible for the inevitable disappointment that ensues, claiming it is a “contrived Hallmark” holiday designed to put unrealistic expectations on love and relationships. These individuals tend to rebel, choosing to ignore the holiday all together or do the bare minimum of bringing home some flowers and calling it a day. And then of course, there are those out there who do not currently have a sweetheart, many of which hide out for the 24 hours until all the focus on lovers fades so that they can once again, feel good about being single. So how do we reconcile all these conflicting feelings about Valentine’s Day? After all, it is supposed to be the holiday of love, not dread. So in honor of those of you that still believe in a day that celebrates love, I’m offering 5 reasons to celebrate Valentine’s Day with. And for those of you that wish this holiday would simply go away and stay away, read on—you just might find a good reason to celebrate come February 14th! Don’t forget to join me for my LIVE Create Your Pathway to Love Workshop on February 23, 9am-1pm in Hermosa Beach, California. For more information and to register, go to www.yourpathwaytolove.eventbrite.com.

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